Love Lessons – Mastering Modern Dating

Hello and welcome to Love Lessons live here in the studio in Covent Garden. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here helping you find, build and deepen long lasting, loving relationships. As you know, if you tuned in with us before that, this is a show where we discuss everything from dating, relationships, breakups and divorce all the way to starting over again as a confident, brand spanking new single. So welcome. If you're tuned in now or if you're tuning in later, this is a really exciting show. It's a whole different kind of show, especially for me, and it's something that I'll be doing a lot more of as we go forward with the show. So for a year and a half now, I've been interviewing guest experts from all different corners of the globe. We've talked things about dating, relationships, healing, heartbreak, dating again after divorce, navigating divorce and all of that stuff. We've even talked about boosting confidence and communication styles and skills in all sorts of dating and relationships and situationships around the whole love life cycle. Thinking back on the past year and a half, we've had experts from all over the world, L.A. new York, London, Germany, France, Latvia as well, New Zealand, Australia, London, Manchester leads. We've had experts in the love industry helping people find it and deepen it for. Yeah, from all over the world. So it's really a pleasure for me to take some time to reflect on that. And I thought one thing that we haven't done is really just get to grips with the questions around dating and relationships that listeners have sent through to me at Lessons in Love. And I thought today would be a really good day to do that. And I'm going to do that a little bit more going forward. So today is specifically going to be answering those burning questions around navigating modern dating. I've noticed that we haven't done a show purely on getting to grips with those questions because there's so much to cover. But I really want to want you to know that I am listening, I am hearing you. I do know that there are lots of things on your mind that you have been sending through to me and to the other coaches at Love Lessons. And so, yeah, I'm here and I want to get to grips with some of them. So this show is all about navigating modern dating. If you're a single who is seriously searching for love, you're not one of those people that's hanging out on the apps or going to events or using different dating services, hoping for the best. No, you're, you're clear that you want to find a partner, you want to navigate that path, but it's really not working for you and you're not so sure how. So I've grabbed a few questions on this topic and here I'll just give you an overview of what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about navigating online dating. Something really specific. Obviously, I'm a specialist in offline dating. I try and pull people offline as much as I can, but I'm also really conscious that people do online dates. I have even done online dating. I mean, as a matchmaker, when I was looking for love, I couldn't date my clients and I couldn't go to other matchmakers. And so it was a catch 22. And I did try online dating, but I was really successful and I was super clear in what I was looking for, what I wanted, and I wasn't willing to waste any time. I was a busy professional, as I'm sure lots of people out there are who are tuning in. And so I thought, I have got absolutely nothing to lose by being so specific about what I am looking for and about communicating who I am. So hopefully, even if I only attract a handful of singles who are like me, at least they're like me on my wavelength and all of that jazz. So it's not, you know, the quantity in swipes and matches and all of that stuff. It's really about attracting quality dates and potential partners. So that's the first thing we're going to touch on. We're also going to touch on a question that came in around confidence and modern dating. Navigating modern dating and the landscape in general. If you feeling a little bit out of sorts and your confidence has fallen by the wayside and you're just not so sure if or how you actually want to put yourself back out there, it's very common. And, you know, let's just remember that dating is a really unnatural process, especially if you're meeting people on these apps or online and you're essentially just grabbing a coffee with a stranger and how awkward is that? Especially if you're, you know, it's kind of like an interview for the love of your life and you're also meeting someone new, which is stretchy glass comfort zone. Anyway, so that's something we're going to touch on. One question came in about feeling frustrated and burnt out by meeting going on lots of dates, but meeting all the wrong kinds of people. That is a tricky one. And so many people suffer burnout with Dating so going to get to grips with that if you stick with me because there's a lot to cover and if we've got time, we're going to talk about exclusivity, sexclusivity and, you know, being monogamous because the modern dating landscape kind of implores us somehow subconsciously or consciously because everyone's talking about it, to put all of your eggs in lots of different baskets and to emotionally spread yourself, I believe a little bit too thinly so you have less fear of rejection because you're dating more than one person at one time. And so there's a lot of things that I have to say about that. But as I've got a lot to say, as me and the producers were saying earlier on a lot of things, we'll only get to that if we can. So question number one that came through for me was this, Sarah. I've been online dating for a while now. I'm having no luck and I wondered what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm always just wasting my time. So there are three things that I think you can initially do if it's specific to online dating and curation of a really, you know, swipe writable profile. And they're three simple things and it's not relative to communication. That's a whole different intricate topic that we can talk about with communicating yourself. Well, we'll try and get through it later actually. But profile pictures, the do's, the don'ts is one your bio which in my opinion you go big or you just go home because you just really need to be clear about who you are and what you're looking for and you really want to resonate with, let's say your, your target love audience. So you're on these apps and you don't want to target the masses of those swiping. You really just want to pinpoint and grab the attention of serious suitors who are like you looking for the same things that you're looking for. So if you're kind of attract the masses, you're not resonating with the few who are like you. So it's really important. So we're going to touch on your, your profile pictures, your bio and really resonate so you can capture the attention of those hopefully super attractive people to you. So one thing you really need to remember is that your dating profile is the first chance and a chance to make a great first impression. So if you can find a way to hit all the right notes and catch the of great Potential dates. You can also potentially attract the person that you're looking to meet because you only need one, right? So if you're attracting a handful of people who are similar to you, chances are that you're really resonating with the right kinds of people. Your profile doesn't need to be this intricate novel about your life experiences and your thoughts on politics and all of that stuff. It doesn't have to be what I'm saying is a well rounded version of who you are. But give them more than just a snippet and one side. And it has to have a few really clear photos and a few words. And it's really worth spending time on getting that right because it's not just what you're putting out. You really want to communicate the best version of you. Well, sorry, no, let me correct myself. Not the best version of you, the most authentic version of you. Because if you're giving them the best, they might not love you at your worst. And we all have our good days and our bad days and so it's really important that you're a attracting people who, you know, see you most authentically. So with your profile pictures, it's important to make them count. So I've kind of made a few notes on this because I've got an awful lot going on in my mind about what we should and what we shouldn't do. There's no specific guidelines, but there's just a few things that I think, you know, have worked in the past for clients of mine, for coaching clients of mine. So sorry, when I say clients, I mean matchmaking clients who are also online dating at the same coaching clients who I've supported through and also myself and my friends. So a few don'ts don't use pictures of yourself with large groups of people. So singles often subconsciously will be looking at a photo and kind of looking at your surroundings and looking at your friends and you know, making a prejudgment of the kind of lifestyle that you have based on those photographs that you are putting up. So let's say you're not this kind of like party animal, but you're putting loads of photos up and out of you out there socializing and with big groups of people. It's kind of really distracting from the person that you are. And it might not be relative to the kind of lifestyle you lead. But however you're still putting it out there, don't include photos of yourself with other people's pets, your pets, children that are yours or not, because it's really not appropriate. I know that they say it's really swipe biteable if you've got a cute pup in the photo, but I just wouldn't do it it, especially if you're not actually an animal person, but you're just doing it to, you know, get all those swipes. Just be really authentic. Don't use photos that are spread over too many years over too much time that are not relative to who you are today. And don't wear sunglasses. Don't actually also really importantly, don't put any photos of you at weddings, especially if you're a woman. It might sound like I'm singling women out, but they're pretty photos. We have our hair done, we have our makeup done, we've got really great attire. But the men looking at those photos of us at weddings is only, you know, saying one thing and it's really kind of, it's screaming out, oh, you know, I'm at a wedding, I want to get married. And it's subconsciously screaming out. And it's not what we're looking to do. So after the break, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here at Love Lessons. We're gonna jump back in to the question of. I've been dating online for a. I'm having no luck and wondered what I'm doing wrong. I'm wasting my time and how can I get this right? So we've just touched on your profile pictures and all your don'ts and I shared with everyone that later on in the show we're going to touch on a few more things about navigating the dating scene today. We'll be right back. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons Live. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on women's radio station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health. Everything fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's wellbeing. 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We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts by about Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station, that's Womens Radio STN or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here in the studio in Covent Garden. Whether you're tuned in in the at 2pm or you're tuning in across the pond at 2am our time. Hello from me. So today's a really different kind of show. I was saying a little bit earlier that for the past year and a half I've really just interviewed the Most amazing experts from all over the globe talking love, dating, relationships, heartbreak, healing, divorce, you name it, we've talked about it and just kind of rallied off a few countries and it's a lot more than I thought and we've had so many wonderful people in the studio. But one we talked about recently with the producers is that I was really conscious, I haven't been answering on air the questions that are coming through about all different topics that today I've kind of allocated a bit of time to go through navigating the modern day dating scene. And we've just been answering a question which is I've been online dating for a while now. I'm having no luck and wondered what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm wasting my time. I touched a little bit on the profile pictures, the don'ts touched a little bit on the bio that you should be writing and now I want to tell you a little bit about what you should do. In my opinion, number one is to show lots of interests and passions, however long. Maybe they give you 140 characters. I'm really not sure what app you're using, but I know that they don't give you an intricate amount of time if it's an app and not a platform website and whatnot. So you have to be really concise and really to the point. So kind of start with some good conversation starters like walking, films, books, art, travel, all that kind of stuff. But write it authentically, write it and put it out there if it's something that you're genuinely interested in. Because if you can't hold a conversation about it, then maybe it's just a bit of a pipe dream and you want to be your most authentic self. I really recommend that you use high quality photos. So I understand that your photos are recent because we've touched on don't use photographs that are kind of ranging through the years. No matter how good that dress was back in 2016, just be, you know, really recent, really relevant, but make sure the photo quality is high because we're very visual as human beings and we want to see things clearly and you also want to be your true self and if the photo is blurry or you're with other people and all that stuff and the quality is low, it's a low res photo, just scrap it and just use something that's really good and really relevant. Actually, so many of us have LinkedIn today and we have photos done and I've had Saskia Nelson in on the show before who is she's the founder of hey Saturday and she does really beautiful photographs in London, New York, Manchester, like Germany, all over really, especially Europe and on that coast of the States where she helps people put their best foot forward with photos for online dating. I'm not plugging her, I'm just saying how excellent she is because I've used her myself and I can really applaud the work that she does. And I know that people have success using kind of photos that she, that she can create with her team. So think about the kind of lighting and framing. Don't think about filters because you know, it's not Instagram, guys. And you know, one thing that I found this is a personal and not a professional opinion. You know, dressing up materials, it's not hot guys or girls, it's not a good look. It's really off putting, especially for someone who doesn't resonate with that. I mean, if you're a bit of a joker, a bit of a jester, and you know, it's Halloween coming up, so I can understand that you might want to put some photos of you dressed up, you know, however, a bunny rabbit. What is just don't do it. If it doesn't feel good and it doesn't look good, don't do it. Smile so much. Put photos up of you not pouting, but smiling. There is nothing more attractive than somebody that looks authentically happy. So if you're there out and your friend grabs a picture of you laughing at a funny joke or over a glass of wine or a coffee, put that up. Because it's, it can often be really natural and that is attractive. And you know, they say a photo speaks a thousand words, doesn't it? And so really think about what it is that you're putting across with the photos that you're putting out there. Here's a couple of tips that are professional, but I'm not sure if I agree or disagree, but I'll throw them out there anyway. Apparently men have more success with photographs if they're sat still and kind of looking into the distance. It's something about being, you know, that idea of dark and mysterious and, you know, an intellectual thinker, just really musing and mulling things over. And women can have more success if they put a photo showing their neckline because apparently that's the most attractive part of the female body, the neck. So if you're wearing a polar neck and you're looking to attract a male, we're very inclusive and diverse show here. But I'm just saying if You're a woman looking to attract male, then that apparently is the most attractive thing that a woman can put out there, just so you know. So let's get back to the question and think about the bio that you're putting out. People are often way too scared to admit what it is that they're looking for in a match or in the journey of dating. So what I mean by that is if someone's seriously searching to settle down, to meet their person and for it to be their last and forever person, we're often a bit hesitant because we're fearful of rejection, we're fearful of what other people might think of us and all of that stuff, all of those storytellings that we do in our mind. Wouldn't it be a nice, easier life if we just said what we think and we meant what we said? And it's the same with dating. If you're not clear and you're not communicating what it is that you truly want out into the world, well, naturally you're going to attract a whole lot of the things that you don't want. And so just think about that when you're writing your bio and you're putting your photos out there. If you're more of, let's say, a home bird, you like to pot around at home, walk the dog, have bubble baths and all of that stuff. But on your online dating profile, you make out that you're this sociable bunny that likes to go out every night and you've got pictures of you with glasses of wine and din dins, you know, in a nice restaurant or whatever. But if you don't feel that that's really 70 to 80% of who you are most of the time, then don't put it. Because you're going to attract somebody who sees those photos, feels that they resonate with that person, but you don't resonate yourself with the image that you're putting out there. So your bio shouldn't be a shot in the dark. It should really increase prospective partners looking at it. You want to win great dates with great people. And so it has to be a really great profile. Make it solid, make it well rounded, make it engaging, put lots of hard work into your profile so you kind of, you don't have to repeat the same information over and over again in those questions that you get when people swiped and matched with you. Try and make it really concise, really strong, and it will help increase the communication from those who feel more connected to you and decrease the communication from those who don't. Feel so connected to you. So here's some top tips. With online dating, you want to grab the attention of the kinds of people you'd like to meet and you'd like to keep them engaged. The first sentence that you put out there is the most important. Make it eye catching when it comes to your bio. Make it like, you know, here's what I love to do. Here's three books that I love to read. Be accurate, be direct and be to the point. Three or four lines is proven to be the most successful. The right amount, if I may. And why don't you start by listing three or four things that really interest you outside of work? Kind of leave work to one side because unless it really defines who you are all round, I wouldn't really put it in there because isn't there time to get to know people when you meet them in person? Also, you want to save what you put out in a digital footprint, especially professionally speaking. If you don't, they're still strangers at the end of the day and you haven't connected with them yet, so hold back on that. Avoid all cliches like, I'm new to this, I'm looking to meet new people. Well, obviously because you're online dating, they're all strangers until you meet them. Don't make jokes such as looking for a plus one to a wedding. Avoid crazy emojis if they don't resonate with you. And and avoid writing a whole novel about yourself. Try and resonate with them by writing like a rhetorical question or throwing something out there, asking a question like, hey, what's the last three books you read, last three places that you traveled to. Your biggest three questions about the world and its state today or on your mind at the moment. If you don't want to get too political or in depth in that kind of conversation with someone you don't know yet. So try and be current. Try and describe your lifestyle, try to describe your interests, but also try to really resonate. So your personality and who you are is not to blame for the lack of dates. What is to blame is lack of consistency, lack of good communication, and lack of creating a really great profile. So say what you're looking for. You know, especially if you're looking for someone to have intellectually stimulating conversations with. You know, make some academic remarks or approaches to a conversation. Talk about different areas of your life, skills, hobbies, all of that stuff, and think about, you know, three or four interesting questions that you could ask people when they start engaging with you. So if you feel like you're not having much luck with online dating, just a quick recap. Look at those photos, look at that biography, look at what you're communicating to the world. Look at how you're resonating with people and see what then comes after you've zhuzhed it up and made all of those changes. Now, as you know, here on Love Lessons, the show where we talk about all things dating, relationships, heartbreak, confidence, all of that stuff. We are today answering questions about the modern dating landscape. We've just touched on how to navigate online dating a little bit more successfully. After the break, we're going to be talking about boosting confidence and answering a really important question that I hear so much about, putting oneself back out there after a long time. It's not you, whoever sent that question through to me anonymously. It's not just you. There are so many people who are putting themselves back out there. They don't know what to do, they don't know how to start and they don't know how to boost their confidence along the way to create a great experience and win great dates. So for those of you just tuning in, I am Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here on Love Lessons airing on men's radio station and women's radio station. And today we're talking all things modern dating. We'll be right back after the break. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. 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Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's Radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here in the studio. For all you listeners here in the UK and across the pond, hello from me. So we've been talking today about navigating modern dating, the landscape of finding love and all of its intricacies. We've kind of covered one question we've had so much to get through, which was about trying to find success with online dating. So just to cap that off, the top three tips really were creating a super awesome, awe inspiring profile. The idea of going big or going home with the bio really resonating with the kind of person that you would like to attract if you choose to online date. So that's kind of what we covered in the first couple of segments of the show. And there's so many questions, but obviously we can only get through a couple this episode, but we'll do our very best. So another question that's come through, which for me kind of speaks about confidence, I believe is the following. Sarah, I haven't been in a relationship for a very long Time. And I want to get out there dating, but I feel so very nervous. I keep putting it off, but I really want to meet someone. What do you think I should do? Okay, well, the good thing to know is that there are hundreds, if not hundreds of thousands of people in the very same boat looking for love, but feeling totally nervous along the way in the journey to meeting that new someone, putting themselves out there in new situations that feel totally out of their comfort zone. There are many reasons that we can be nervous when it comes to dating. Just as nervous as when we go for a job interview or, I don't know, for those, like buying a company or going to raise money for a business. There's all different ways public speaking makes people nervous. That it can really throw us out of our comfort zone if it's not something that we do every single day. And dating is one of them. Especially if you've been in a relationship, as the question seems to resonate with, and you've been single for a long time, so you kind of. You have a certain expectation, you've had a certain experience, and now you found your ways are solo and it's a bit daunting to get back into dating again. Totally get it. But it's also totally normal, whatever normal is these days. So there are a few reasons that you might be scared, you might be a bit frightened that things won't work out, that things won't work out, or that things won't work out as you plan in your mind. You might also resonate with. With being fearful of failure or fearful of rejection. That you know, the person that you meet, maybe you'll like them and they won't like you back, or they won't like you or sorry, you won't like them and they'll like you. So it's all this kind of the dance around dating relevant to rejection can really hold us back from getting ourselves out there. You might also resonate with feeling worried about how you might come across. Feeling worried about how the date will go and what you're putting out there to the world, how your communication and your conversation is perceived, as well as your body language. There are so many different things that we think about and there are so many ways that we can kind of get into our own heads and inevitably step into our own way from meeting that potential life partner or next partner. So let's just take a quick look of the snapshot of how you're thinking, what you're feeling, and what you're telling yourself about love, about dating again. Or about, you know, daring to put yourself out there again, if things don't work out, you have to ask yourself why? So let's say, let's put yourself into a scenario. Let's say you go out on a date and you feel like things haven't worked out and things have fallen by the wayside, communications fallen by the wayside and things haven't worked out, but you don't really know why. Well, grab yourself a pen and paper and kind of start to map it out. Because the thing is, what we don't repair and what we don't know, we just continue to repeat. So if we're not clear on our learnings, on what worked out and what didn't, how we were putting ourselves out there and how we weren't, how we were coming across and communicating and how that was interpreted, perceived and connecting. If we're not clear on the life that we're living and how we're navigating it, then we're really just winging it. And isn't it better to kind of strategize certain situations to just be like, ah, you know, have those aha moments. That's why that didn't work out. Or actually, yeah, they were chatting to me, but I wasn't being consistent. Communication was falling by the wayside with me or I didn't communicate myself clearly enough to make my intentions so crystal clear that there was no way that the boundaries could have been blurred. Like, if it's not clear and if you're not putting yourself out there in a really clear way, then anything can happen and anything can be ambiguous and things can just be left there for the taking and emotions can get hurt, time can get wasted, and that's the one thing in life I'm super clear on that we can't make more of. We can make more money, bigger businesses, buy bigger homes, all of that stuff, but we can't make more time. And if you're wasting it, then what is the point? If you're not figuring out where things aren't working out for you, then you need to start now. You need to get clear about your past relationships, what happened, what worked out, what you could have done to be accountable to the process, for yourself, to do better. What could you attract more of into your life to ensure that you're in a good place to attract the right kind of relationship. So you really need to figure out what part you've been playing and have a clear overview, a bird's eye view on anything, romantically speaking, that has occurred so far. So you feel like you can strategize your way to success for dating again. So that's why this whole show is called Love Lessons. You have to figure out what you learned so far so you can move forward. So the idea that we repeat whatever it is that we don't repair, we can get ourselves stuck in a bit of a rut. And with relationships, with love, holding ourselves back from attracting the right love that we deserve. And so to become unstuck, you have to get comfortable with the idea of rejection. There may be times along this dating journey where you go on a great date, but actually you simply didn't resonate with the person that was sat in front of you. Maybe you liked them and maybe they didn't like you back, and that can be disappointing. And you know what you have to do? You have to be like, oh, my gosh, okay, so they've communicated that they don't want to see you again, or maybe they just disappear, because people do that today. And that is the hardship, the reality of the modern dating landscape. If things don't work out, not everyone has the emotional intelligence or integrity to communicate as clearly as you're going to. And you, you have to be okay with the fact that as human beings, we make choices and we live in a democracy, and we're lucky to live in a democracy. And so we can make choices that work for us and that don't. But you can be honest and integral to yourself and integral to what you're looking for the whole way along the dating journey. So. So you know what? It's okay if somebody disappears or it's okay if something doesn't work out, or it's okay if someone says, hey, this didn't quite work for me. Because you know what? It's not a failure. It's a learning that you thought that that person was right for you, but actually they weren't. And you're just one step closer to meeting your forever person and meeting the person that is right for you. And so just let it go. So you have to learn what you learn by being accountable, by really taking that bird's eye view. You have to let go of things that aren't serving you or growing you. And you have to just say, hey, yeah, we all have the freedom to choose, the freedom of choice. And that was their choice. So rejection will happen. You may also find yourself in the same boat where. Or similar boat where somebody really likes you, but you don't like them. So you might have to have these hard conversations and We've all been there where it's like, you know what, this actually isn't quite what I'm looking for. But as long as you're not that person that disappears, as long as you're that person that communicates oneself really clearly and is saying, hey, this is what I'm looking for. But it doesn't really seem to be connecting with what we've got. And so that is okay. As long as you're honest, they'll really respect you for it. And you can leave that situationship with, you know, your head held high, saying, yeah, I did my best, but that wasn't right for me. And you're really being integral and you're not settling for less than you deserve in love. You're really settling for the right things and you're happy to be solo if things aren't right. Just as if someone doesn't feel it with you, it's their right to choose and you're okay with that too. So going back, we can be scared that things won't work out. So you have to be like, right, that didn't work out. And so what? And so what? I'm going to pick myself back up again and I'm going to continue on the dating journey successfully to get me one step closer to where I want to be and to where I'm going to be in a fulfilling, happy, loving, long term relationship. So after the break, I'm going to be touching on why we might be worried about how and why things come across in a certain way and why we don't focus more on ourselves and how we're feeling in that person's company. But we kind of pass over the power. So if you're just tuning in, we're talking about being in a relationship for a long time and then becoming single, you know, spending that time as a solo and then starting the search again for love. How to start, how to navigate it, how to boost one's confidence. We've kind of touched on the fear of rejection, being scared that things won't work out. And we're going to touch on after the break being worried about things not coming across the way we want them to and why, figuring it all out so we can set ourselves up for love success. So I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons and this is the show where we talk about everything from dating relationships to divorce to healing heartbreak and starting over as a confident single. It's an absolute pleasure to be doing this show. Today I'm riding solo. Normally I have a dating expert or relationship expert or therapist or counselor or something of the sort on the show sharing. But today we're really getting to grips with the questions that, you know, the listeners have had and have been sending in that are burning about the modern dating landscape. In forthcoming shows, we're going to be talking about relationships, healing, heartbreak, questions and dating after divorce. But we'll be right back after the break here on Love Lessons. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. 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We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station, that's Women's Radio STN or Facebook women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here in the studio in Covent Garden. I am here answering some lovely questions from listeners who really want to get to grips with modern day dating. And at the beginning of the show, I think I touched on four or five questions that I was going to try and cover, but with so much to say, I've only managed to get through one and a half. And so there's another show that that will be ventured very soon, maybe next week or maybe the week after, who knows? We'll see what we can do. But we do have a whole cohort of really lovely guests lined up in the forthcoming weeks to help you navigate dating, relationships, healing, heartbreak, dating after divorce and confidence as a solo again. So let's touch back on the question that I was going through just before the break. Sarah I haven't been in a relationship for a very long time and I want to get back out there dating, but I feel so nervous, I keep putting it off and I really want to meet someone. What should I do? So before the break, I was touching on the fear of rejection and overcoming the fear of failure, the fear of things not working out and the scarcity of meeting new people. Now I want to touch on how a lot of singles that I come across who approach me for coaching or approach me to work with them for matchmaking, whatever it is, they come to me because they're, they're worried about how they're coming across, how they're being perceived. It's the fear of the unknown, of how potential partners are perceiving them on a date. And what I can say, in short, is that if you find yourself on a Date or in a dating situation scenario where you're thinking more so about how you're coming across, what you're wearing, how does your body language look, how are you communicating yourself? How is that being perceived? If you're focusing so much on that, what you're really doing is passing over the power because you're not feeling or being comfortable in your own skin about how this person, thinking about how this person in front of you is making you feel. Because you're so busy thinking about yourself and wanting to have that sense of belonging and that sense of acceptance with the other person that, that you've forgotten to focus on whether they are right for you. And so what you're doing is passing over the power. You're also removing yourself from the situation romantically because you're so worried about coming across in a certain way. When you really get to grips with being your most authentic self and say, hey, you know, I am nervous, but I'm new to dating, I'm looking to meet someone, just ease yourself immediately into it. Don't pretend you're super duper confident if you actually aren't. Like, just be the best version of yourself in that very moment. Yes, there may be other times where you come across way more confident. But you know what, there'll be situations that you're used to. They're situations that you've been in time and time again, and you know how those situations work out. So you feel in control. It's not normal or natural to meet someone you know on an app or on a website and then just go for a coffee with them. It's not a natural situation that we find ourselves in. So when we do it, inevitably it's uncomfortable. But you know, the more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel. The more content you'll be with going for that glass of wine, a lot of coffee with that stranger. Because you know how it works and you know that you survive it at the end and you know that you come out stronger. Learning something new about yourself, learning something new about what you want, and learning something new about another person that was a stranger before you met them. So thinking about it, a date ventured that didn't work out is just getting you to arrive one step closer to where you're supposed to be, to meeting the right kind of person for you. So it's not about what's happening to you or for you. It's where and how you're thinking about that situation. You're thinking about it in a way that's getting in your own way and holding you back from meeting people and potentials and your potential partner because you're focusing so much on the failure. But what if you saw failure as just a stepping stone to get you to where you want to be? So many people see failure in love, in life, in dating, in relationships, in work, in career, in finance. So many people see failure as the final destination. But it's just a learning. Think of all the times that things haven't worked out. Are you here? Did you survive it? What did you learn from it? Well, you're here and you're listening to me, so you definitely survived it. So actually if you go on a date and it doesn't work out, whether it was your choice or theirs or both or neither, and you couldn't communicate it very well, the reality is, if it didn't work out for a reason, what were those reasons? Reasons. Get a pen, get a piece of paper. Write down what you've learned about yourself, about dating. And here's some top tips. So you're probably thinking, okay, I've passed over the power far too many times now. What Sarah saying to me is resonating with me and enough is enough. I hope that's what you're thinking. I hope that you're listening and thinking, yep, she's right. Now I'm ready to boost confidence. I'm ready to, you know, see failure as just something that happened. It's an option, but it's not the only option and it's not the final destination. It's just a dating hurdle. So if you're listening and you're thinking, yeah, okay, I'm ready to reset my mindset on that. So here's some top tips that I want you to take away from these couple of questions today about getting out there, getting offline, getting connected, meeting in real life and boosting your confidence. So number one is step out of your comfort zone, as you've heard me say today a couple of times, is that sitting and having a coffee with a stranger is a relatively unnatural thing to do. If it didn't happen organically, where you kind of bumped into them in a coffee shop, built rapport, or it's an already existing friend and it's turned into something more, then the reality is you're having time spent with someone that you really don't know. And so it's all brand spanking new and you really, really, it's okay to be nervous and it's very natural to be nervous. So what I've been thinking about stepping out of Your comfort zone is that the more you do it, the more practice you get, the more perfect. Ish. I don't really believe in perfect. It will feel in the search for love. So organic meetings, they feel more comfortable naturally because you've met them already. But if it's a stranger, then of course it's going to feel a little bit, you know, like your nerves are falling by the wayside and you want to get more comfortable in this situation. Well, if that date doesn't work out, just do it more. Just keep dating, keep meeting new people, keep putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Go to lots of networking, Put yourself in situations where you're saying hello to new people all of the time, in coffee shops, at work, say hello to a new person every day. And the more comfortable you get with chatting to strangers as an adult, as strange as it might sound, the more comfortable you'll get with navigating conversations that are out of your comfort zone. So my question to you is, what makes you feel uncomfortable? Why don't you make a list of the things that make you feel uncomfortable? Let's say that list is anywhere between like 1 and 5 or 1 and 10. It can be as extensive as you choose it to be. And if it's extensive, then there's a lot of work that needs to be done that can get you closer to feeling comfortable. So things such as like giving a presentation, does that make you nervous? Public speaking, is it dating? Is it being the center of attention? Do you always wear black because you're scared to stand out from the crowd and wear bright colors? Whatever it is that makes you feel uncomfortable, write it down. And why don't you write a three step action plan to tackle getting comfortable with that uncomfortable situation over the next month or so. I promise you'll thank me for it later. You're welcome. And you will grow, you will learn, you will learn to love yourself more, love the situation that you're in. And you'll be stepping out of your comfort zone and really stretching your understanding of what you're capable of. And let's face it, you don't know it yet, but you're capable of doing exceptional things. So also, if you're one of those people who, you know, has a whole list of things on their bucket list that they haven't yet done, then there's every chance that you're holding yourself back from not just love, but from living a life that you really love. So why don't you do number two, which is doing things you've never done before. So make a whole life list of those things that you've wanted to do forever you haven't done yet. And yet is a very powerful word because it means that you're about to do it. So why don't you make a list? Is it learning French or Spanish or Hebrew, Japanese, whatever. Make a list of languages, sports, hobbies, something creative. Is it travel? Is it solo travel? Make a list of all the things that you want to do and you haven't yet done a new course, maybe it's a new fitness class and start doing that. I want you to do two of the things on your list in November and please contact me hello@lessonsinlove.co.uk and really let me know how you're getting on with pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. I want you to number three, be a goal setter and goal go getter. Write down a list of all your goals that are going to push you out there to meet new people in new ways that aren't just online dating. I'm talking events. If you want to meet someone who is spiritual, why don't you go to a yoga class? If you want to meet someone who's a bit of a socialite, a bit of a foodie, why don't you go on like a festive food thing or a gin tasting course? So. So I want you to start thinking outside of the box, which is going to help you boost your confidence, take in more learnings about yourself, your capabilities, what's out there in the world for you, and also stretch your comfort zone so you feel like you're setting yourself up for more love success than you have felt capable of so far. So in short, you know, if you haven't been in a relationship for a long time and you feel nervous, the answer is it's okay to feel nervous, but what are you gonna do to work on your confidence? There are so many things, as you know, I've just told you how to get started and that is just for starters. But if you want to continue to boost your confidence and you want to check in with me, you want any time with me, you can visit me over on lessonsinlove.co.uk. there's also a replay if you didn't catch this whole episode there. And women's radio station have got replays. Two of these really wonderful shows. So I'm Sarah Louise with. Thank you so much for tuning in with me. I'll be here again on the app tomorrow, but definitely live next week. Thanks so much for Being here. Welcome to the Women's Radio Station Supporting women's well being Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most of the importantly, women's well being. 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