Love Lessons – Polygamy Vs Monogamy

Hi, guys. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan, and welcome back to Love Lessons. I'm here with the glorious Susan Madison. And today we're going to be talking about monogamy versus polygamy and also another term which I've recently learned about. What is it, Susan? Polyamorous. Polyamorous. Welcome. I'm here at women's radio station, and we're gonna get started. Stuck right in. So welcome Susan. Hello. Hello. So, listeners, ladies, gents, I'm pretty sure it's mainly ladies, but for the odd gent out there listening in, today we're gonna be talking about a very interesting topic, as I said. And Susan is a former life coach and mindset shifter. Have I got that right, Susan? Yeah, that's correct. And now what do you do? So I've gone back to my IT roots, mainly because it pays more. So going back to my IT roots, but I am actually promoting the women. So in this super tech industries of blockchain, crypto, all of that good, sexy new stuff, it's like a sausage party whenever you go to these new meetups. So I'm promoting the women coming into that group. So I run a women's meetup called Witech Rev. Women of the technical revolution. Now Women of the technical Revolution. That's so exciting because obviously we're all about women here at women's radio station. Aside from love lessons, teaching about relationships and love and all of that stuff, I'm sure we could all learn an awful lot from you today in many parts of our lives. Ask me anything. So, Susan, I don't know how open you are to sharing today on a personal or professional level, but I want to get stuck into polygamy and monogamy, and I want your take on both of those things, plus the third thing that we're gonna learn about. And I want you to be as open or, you know, as closed as you feel comfortable with. So what is your take on polygamy? What is it? Tell us. Okay, so polygamy, to me. Maybe we'll Google in a little bit to confirm it. But polygamy to me is when you have multiple serious relationships, whereas the monogamy is where you're committed to the one person. So, for example, so I actually grew up in Saudi Arabia and where they're actually legally allowed to marry several women. If you're a man, that is. Women don't have the same rights over there. So polygamy is where you have multiple partners, you love them equally, and you have proper relationships with each of them. Right. And As a strong, independent, sound of mind woman that I know that you are. What's your take on that? Very, you know, in layman's terms. So I think each to their own, you know, different things work for different people. So me personally, so I've been in relationships, sexually active for 24 years and 10 of those I was monogamous. And outside of those monogamous years, it was quite experimental. You know, several different casual relationships, some really long term, I guess, polygamous relationships. I guess so, yeah. Lived a few different lives. So in terms of polygamy, to scrape it back, a couple of sentences ago, you had said that polygamy in your terms and probably in terms of Wikipedia, Google would tell us that polygamy is for those who are committed to numerous partners. Yes. How in your, you know, mind, how committed can you be to more than one person? I think you can. So from my own experience, it's like you have like mini relationships with various different people. So when I've been seeing multiple people on the go, what I really, really like is that you're. When you're together, you're together, but then when you're not, you just crack on with your own life. But you do like, you build, you know, if you've been with this person for like years, you actually build up a serious relationship and quite close relationship with them. But in truth, I don't think you are really committed to that person. Cause if you really, really love them and committed to them, you would be with them. And they're one and only. Okay, okay. So this has got about a gazillion questions going on in my mind. And I came to love lessons today at women's radio station. Like I do every time, kind of prepared in my mind for few different things I want to cover. But in my mind this is a completely different term. Turn. Sorry. And I'd love to know you say committed, but do you think you're. So say let's par. Exemplar. You're committed to three people. Okay. Yeah. Do you feel like you're giving a third of your personality or the part of your personality to one person? And then so let's say that's, you know, the soft side of you and then, you know, in layman's terms, and then to the second person you're probably giving the best of your sexual side and then to the third person you're giving this maybe harder side, maybe it's like intellectual and business side. So all I'm thinking of is, okay, so say I'M in a polygamous relationship. Am I splitting my personality and divvying it up between my partners or are they getting all of me? Because if they're getting all of me every time, I'm going to be bloody exhausted. Sorry, Natalie, that's the producer. Language, language, language. Or I'm going to be exhausted. Well, the way I am. So I live a very varied life. Got lots of different groups of friends do everything from raving to like book club or whatever. So within those relationships, that person gets all of me. But maybe if they don't like to party them, maybe we'll, we'll do a bit less of that. Maybe if they like rock climbing or whatever the hell it is, maybe we'll do a bit more of that. So maybe they are seeing different sides of me, but in terms of love and kind of the commitment, the attention, whenever I'm with anyone, and this is like with friends or partners, when I'm face to face and with someone, they get my undivided attention and energy. But the interests, you know, one might be more kinkier than the other. You might go to Torture Garden with one and you might just not do that with one of the other ones. I think that's completely fascinating. And also my immediate thoughts relative to you specifically Susan, on this is that you have got so much energy and so much vibrancy that I don't doubt that you can give all of yourself to every single person. That's why I need so many people. Sara, I don't doubt that for a moment. But for those of us who are not quite like you, don't have as much energy as you. How can we give our whole selves 100%, or let's say 80 to 100% of the time with each partner. I just find it completely fascinating, bewildering, and I'm quite curious. And a curious mind is a good mind. Okay, so another thing to point out is it's the, the scheduling. So I lead a really busy life. I've got like day job businesses on the side. I like to do different things, different groups of friends. So when you are doing the polygamous thing, it is like you've got them on, I don't know, three week rotation or something like that, which again, that can be. Well, if, you know, seeing three people, I'm not gonna. Well, sometimes you might see them all three times in a day, but probably not, depending on who you are. And so again, you've got to think of the time and the scheduling with these Things, So that's okay. So that was going. That's a great segue into what I was going to ask you about the routine and the time and the input, the return on your time investment. Yeah, roi. Very, very important. Very important. Yeah, it's okay. So these people that you're committed to, they're not your friends, they're your partners. Yeah. So where do you make time for your friends? Oh, they're on a three month rotation as well. So you're rotating them, Consciously rotating them? Well, yeah, my friends do know that when they want to, got really close friends who I'll, you know, maybe see or message at the very least quite regularly. But then with the different groups, you know, we'll only see them every few months. With the partners, I'd say more weeks. Yeah, you get a little bit more than friendship from them. Okay, so. So this is absolutely fascinating. And yes, that comment didn't fall by the wayside. I'm pretty sure you get a little bit more. One has needs, Sarah. I think we all have needs and I completely get that. So a few things that I kind of thought about is how easy is it to be polygamous? Is that the right word? So in my opinion. Okay, so might go a bit deep here. So I think people who are highly sexed or experimental, they generally tend to have a deeper root as to why they are experimenting. So. Tend to from a personal experience, they've either been like mentally, physically, sexually abused or something. And there's some deep root of, you know, they're trying to chemically induce that happy or get that love or get that attention because, you know, because you go through my history have gone from wild and crazy to. Actually what I've learned in the long run is that the best and the most beautiful relationships for me are the one on one monogamous ones. And it takes a very special set of people to do the poly, Polyamorous, polygamous relationship. Or for the people who, you know, they don't want to commit. It's kind of the root of it, if you really, really look at it. If anyone says that I just want to be single for my whole life or, you know, I'm just going to be polygamous forever, I think they're kind of lying because, you know, everyone wants to be loved. And like, I think the most beautiful relationship after experiencing lots of different types is that pure one on one monogamous relationship. Completely fascinating. So my takeaway from that is that while we, you know, can kind of giggle about it and get excited about the idea of being committed to numerous people at the same time. It has a deeper rooted conversation to be had. Yes. And also further to that, your takeaway, having had the experience, is that you flourish and blossom more from a relationship that is monogamous. That's perfect. Very well summarized. Very well summarized. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. We're here at Women's Radio Station. This is Love Lessons and I'm with the fabulous Susan Madison will be back. From all the presenters and the team behind Women's Radio Station, thank you for listening. You've been the most amazing audience with your sparkling enthusiasm and support. So from our hearts, we would like to wish you a very merry Christmas and a wonderful new year full of joy and surprises. Foreign. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? 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We're currently welcoming Don to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help Women Radio station hi ladies and gents, it's Sarah Louise Ryan. We're here back at women's radio station with love lessons. I'm here with the wonderful Susan Madison. Welcome back. Hello. Hello. We've been discussing polygamy versus monogamy and we've been getting started stuck right in to numerous partners. Yep. Is that correct? Yep. Spiced it up, spicing it up a little bit and kind of giggling about the fact that having, you know, a commitment to more than one partner requires a routine, a rotation, you know, a schedule and a commitment mentally, emotionally, physically. And we summarized just before the break that monogamy specifically in Susan's situation, enables her to blossom and flourish as a human being more than sharing herself with numerous partners despite being committed. So getting back to it, I asked you just before the break, how easy is it to be polygamous? But also when I say easy, I also want to know how easy is it to find those people to be polygamous with. So I don't just mean in terms of routine. If you have decided and made a conscious decision, let's say, say me, I'm single, but I've decided. Okay, I definitely like this person, but I also like this person and I want to commit to them. Like, how easy is it to a, go about finding these relationships where other people are open to and B, what kind of scene is there and is it underground for polygamy? Okay. Okay. So for me, I've personally, I've never done the online dating. Like all my partners have just appeared and I genuinely believe when you are ready, the universe provides and people appear. So I but I do know other friends who have been on various online dating apps and they have found people who are more into the not so committed relationships. I know you can go down that route, but for me, they've generally just appeared when I've been out or through friends of friends, places like that. So yeah, and I've always been very open upfront. So the conversation usually goes that you like the person and you might do the wild thing and then do a bit of talking afterwards or morning after, whatever. And I always say, look, you know, I'M not, I'm not looking for a serious monogamous relationship right now. So you do your thing, I do mine. And if anyone starts to have feelings for each other, then we need to talk. So I am very open and honest and upfront right at the beginning. And this is where I find a lot of guys fall down. They just tend to not tell the, the girl or whoever about the other people. And that's when it starts to get very complicated because you are lying and, you know, having to, you know, waste your time and energy, like, not saying things. But if you're open and honest up front going, look, I'm seeing other people, then it makes it a lot easier. And what I found more interesting is that guys generally don't want to hear. They're like, they're quite happy to tell me about their other partners and I'm fine with that. So I don't know if other women would be the same. But then with the guys, they're like, you know what? I don't, I don't want to know what's going on with so. With so and so. I'll just pretend you're all mine for when you're with me. Exactly. Oh, my gosh. Like, you've pretty much answered an awful lot of questions that were whizzing around in my mind. Another thing that I wanted to ask is, okay, so you say that you have the law of attraction have brought these people to you, to your presence. And then you are such an open mind, which is the first thing I said about you. One of the most open minded people I've ever met. And you have said, okay, this is kind of what I'm into, I suppose, because you've been very frank, you know, and you've got nothing to lose by being frank. Yeah. Do you think that you've attracted people who have perhaps not been so transparent? And maybe they have said that they're open to polygamy, but maybe they've never been polygamous before and it was okay. This woman is far more interesting than I am and I'd really like to try that. Have you experienced that? Yes. Yes, I am. I have learned the hard way over the years that I'm very careful who I get into bed with because also, I don't like hurting people. And if someone's like, ooh, if that's the only way I can be with her, I'll do that. But then, you know, they're in their head, they're hoping that a bit more is gonna happen. Oh, I Love that sexual integrity. Yeah. And it's. So if I get this feeling that that person just really is gonna be head over heels in love very, very quickly, as much as I might want to play with them, I would say no. Because for me, when the two monogamous relationship had over that ten year of monogamy, I instantly knew that I was like, oh, I'm in trouble here. There is something more there and I don't want to be with anyone else but with everyone else it's like, oh, you're really cool or I want to spend time with you and you make it happen. But I don't feel it's enough for a full on relationship. Okay. So another thing which you kind of struck a chord with me on earlier before the break is about having numerous partners. And it kind of thought, I thought about social media and I thought about, you know, how connected we are at least with the online world and this perception that we can have it all inclusive of relationship. So perhaps the idea that one person cannot provide everything that we want or feel we need and the expectancy or the intent to get that from other people romantically. Yeah. So I suppose in layman's terms again is it we have numerous partners because we've got a fear of missing out on one aspect because one person can't provide the whole. Well, I've had that was one of my biggest learnings actually. And this was in the monogamous serious relationships because I, and I know I have a lot of girlfriends who are like, oh, I want my partner to make me happy and it's his job to do X, Y, Z. And I learned from myself that yeah, you want your partner to have a lot of the things you know cause you're going to be one on one with them. Deep conversations, all of that good stuff. But you can expect your partner to be like this kind of godlike person, like Wings of an angel halo. One can do like absolutely everything. It's, it's not, it's not realistic. So I think whether it's polygamy or monogamy, expecting or even just from a friend, you're expecting this person to be anything and everything that you want is probably something you should be looking at. So from, you know, I get different things from different friends, but from the relationships as well, it's, I don't know, you get different things from different people but you in the end are responsible for your own happiness and getting what you want. Amazing. Thank you for that. And I think so many people can probably take that Away with them. Because, you know, even I've had the question to me from a previous partner, do you think that you can provide everything for me and can I provide everything for you? And of course the answer was absolutely not. And I see, I see that, you know, kind of like a cake and you take the slices or give the slices amongst all of the people you share your time with, whether it's romantic partners or not. And that makes the whole cake and you have to be whole yourself and you share that. So that was my analogy for that. A question I wanted to ask you is about can you commit yourself romantically to one partner but sexually have numerous partners? Well, and what would you call that? I don't actually know what you would call that, but I find so I'm special breed so I can detach from things, so I can like just have sex with someone, you know, and the next day it's like you go back to being friends or whatever. But I think so. I don't know if it is like societal programming or the way people are brought up or you know, stories in their heads that oh, I've had sex with someone, oh, I must be in relationship with them. Whereas with me it's yeah, I can have sex with that person or I could, you know, have the full on romance with the other person. So it really depends on the individual. And I always felt like, like the black sheep because you'd have. Most people would be able to do like, you know, the relationship but they would find it very difficult to have the multiple partners where I found that easier. And this kind of goes back to my point of when you have the multiple partners, you're kind of like you're not committed fully, you're maybe not fully vulnerable. So you're not, you're kind of protecting yourself a little bit. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Whereas when you go into the monogamous one, it's like, here you go, here's my soul. I'm completely vulnerable. Have all of me. Which, you know, being in love, if you've ever been really, really hurt before, perhaps that's why people sometimes do the polyglot. Polyamorous or polygamy. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm so happy that you shared that. I mean, I think it's because we're both a Pisces, quite open minds, we think along the same wave. And I had just been thinking about, do you think that there's something a bit deeper in the world today? Because being so connected to singles, online apps, websites, social media, whatever we have seen, particularly in the dating industry, a huge rise in non committal relationships. If you know, whether you say or not that you're committed to numerous people, my belief is that you only commit to one. And that is my personal opinion, not my professional opinion. And I suppose it's because I have never been able to commit to numerous people. I just don't have the capacity. No, it's like, I think this is where it would be interesting to have a psychologist view of it because I think it's. I personally don't think it's is normal to have multiple partners all the time for your whole life. But then also it scares. Scares me to have one partner for my whole life. Well, what do you do? That's what I was going to say. Is the rise of non committal in my mind relationships, is it due to fear of rejection and the art of being vulnerable, being lost somehow? So in terms of. So I'm a techno geek and freak and I think that with the rise of technology and social media there is a lot of this detached and separation, especially if you look at the younger generation, maybe they don't have those social skills or those conversational skills as well. So there's a little bit of that going on there. And also you have like attention of a goldfish, like I normally read, but I'm like busy skimming through articles. I think technology and modern society has a lot, has had a massive effect on the way we think and live and interact with each other. Yes. Always looking for that next hit of serotonin. Okay, so 30 seconds. Give me your three pros for being polygamous. Ooh. It's never a dull moment. You get varied, varied, varied relationships and different things from different guys, different positions, et cetera, et cetera. And yeah, it's on your terms. You know, I can see you here, I can see you then. So you kind of can go. You can focus on living your life and doing what you want. Okay. Amazing. I'm here with Susan Madison on her terms. And I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here at women's radio station presenting Love Lessons. We'll be back. Women's radio station is looking forward to a great 2019 with more shows coming your way. All the presenters and the team behind each program would like to say a big thank you for listening. We are the voice of women worldwide and we cannot be without you. The journey has just begun with more exciting programs soon to be revealed. Women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. I'm Isabelle Manevy, an executive Coach, do you want to change a negative into a positive? We can do this by coaching you to rewire your brain using simple visualization techniques. In 20 years of practice, I've seen this transform lives. For more information, look on Women's Radio website. Call me on 079-8442, 2171. I'm listening. Mirai B Ltd. We are a virtual PA consultancy. We provide remote administrative services. Our offering is diverse. We manage your calendar, we update your client database, we take care of your property in France and in London. We also offer bookkeeping and translation services. Would you like to know more? Please call 077-8684-8998 for further information. Mirae B Limited making the life of the business owner successful. Do you need mediation? We are the A Project charity. We provide convict resolution and community engagement services. Our services include community mediation for neighbour disputes, family mediation for separating couples, special education needs for parents, carers and their children and young adults, as well as workplace mediation and restorative services. To find out more, head to womensradiostation.com or or theaproject.co.uk Let me tell you about Jermyn Street Theatre. This is a secret theatre in the heart of the West End. Once found, never forgotten. This is where careers ignite, where playwrights take risks, where great actors perform just feet away from the audience. This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www.germanstreettheatre.co.uk. women's radio station is a not for profit, community interest company. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running cost to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Welcome back to Love Lessons. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan, here with Susan Madison and we're talking polygamy. How exciting, how exciting. Or is it more exciting than monogamy? Well, it depends. It depends on the people in this monogamous relationship. I've had quite, quite interesting monogamous relationships. Fab. Now, just before the break, we talked about three pros to polygamous relationships. I'd like to now know. Three cons. Ooh, okay. Three cons of polygamy. Well, if you actually really start to like someone, then it becomes difficult. Especially because half the time, you know, you're not. Not super committed to each other and it's that, oh, do I say something? Do I not? Do I just kind of Keep it going. Just because I can't have him like, you know, so I can't have them any other way. Riding the wave. Yeah, exactly. So that would be one. I would say it does. Like, I'm used to military precision schedule for my life, but not many people are. But that's definitely got to be an added annoyance having to constantly, you know, set up dates or when you're seeing people are going, oh crap, I'm seeing that person. Oops, sorry to explain this to someone else. I'd just like to add, just give context to what Susan's saying. Nobody sends a calendar invite as quick as Susan Madison, so she's not lying. I can clarify that for all of you listeners. If it's not in my schedule, it's not happening. It's not happening. Life coaching me and then a third one of polygamy. I. Yeah, I feel they aren't that 100% committed relationship. So you're not maybe fully giving yourself. I would say so. I'd say maybe that is possibly a downside that you're maybe not being your absolute full vulnerable self and showing all of your sides. I would say yes. So you may be full volume, but not full vulnerability. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, exactly. Because, you know, you're always energized. And I'm sure a lot of people out there who are as busy as you, if that's possible, you know, are on the go and caffeinate and all of that stuff and have their three month turnaround schedule and can make this happen. But okay, you might be able to make it happen. But deep down, is there 100% connection with all of these people, with some of my polygamous partners, it's like there is, it's like a different level of love. It's like it doesn't matter whether I'm with them or they're with someone else. I just generally want to see them happy and have genuine love for them. So you do. You are very committed. And it's a weird thing with love if you generally that phrase, if you love someone, you'll let them go. Whereas, you know, otherwise you might want to like keep them all to yourself kind of thing. So it's a bit, I don't know, I feel, but I'm quite a deep, open person. Like, that's why I'm here. I love being asked all these questions. So I tend to have quite connected relationships with people. But then again, it's those monogamous, monogamous ones where I've shared everything which I wouldn't necessarily do with the not so committed ones. So then you're all in. When it comes to your monogamous relationships, you're really all in. You'll give your entire self all of it, hook, line and sinker. Not many can handle it, but. So, you know, and I do think, as per our discussion earlier, that social media and the modern day dating scene has given rise to non committal relationships. And I'm sure there's an awful lot of studies out there to prove that that is so. So with that said, do you think monogamy is dead? No, because I think there's. From my friend's circle, I know there's a lot of people who struggle with seeing lots of people. They think it's like wrong or it's shameful or it's lying or it's just too much of a, you know, head. Head, you know, I can't say the word. Not allowed to swear. Head. Fluff. Yeah, that's the one. Fluff. That's it. Fudge. So I don't think it's dead, but if anything, I think it's more that as soon as it's broken, no one wants to bother fixing it. It's like, oh my gosh, I'll just throw it away and I'll try again where it's no. And you know, one thing I do always remind people about relationships is that any, any part of life is that people tend to focus on the 10% that went wrong or the 20% that was horrible, or they were absolutely mental when there was the whole 80 other percent of the relationship, which was absolutely fine. I also think that when it comes to breakups and moving on, people love to hear a story about triumph. Triumph. Did I say that right? Yes. But what they don't necessarily like to hear is how you got there. That's true. They want to hear that you got over that hurdle and that you moved on, but they don't care to know how. And there's a lot of studies done on that, for sure. And my favorite person, aside from my family and friends and partner and me and you and Natalie in the studio, is the wonderful author and TED talker Brene Brown. And she does a lot of studies on vulnerability and she has openly talked about, you know, daring to overcome these adverse situations and how everyone wants to hear a story. The hero's tale. The hero's tale. Like when I wrote my heartbreak story, people love to follow it and they all they wanted to hear was the great things that happened, how you got to the happy ending, but the nitty gritty. Maybe crying in bed and not getting dressed for a couple of days. People don't really talking about yourself. Don't want to get. Don't want to hear that stuff. Give me the goodies. Just give me the magic. The goodies. Where's that going with that? So it could just jump in there. So the reason why I was bringing up that, you know, focus on the 10, 20% and you've got to hinting towards a little bit where we're going. So I'm actually friends, really good friends with anyone. I've Whatever whatevered with which people are straightened, especially if we're talking about the big long relationships where people like, they hate their exes and they never speak to them again. They're such an. Or whatever it was. I don't have that. And that's. People do think that is very strange. But for me, I think it's weird that you've let someone in because, you know, if I was gonna go in a serious monogamous relationship, one, there had to be something really special there. And yeah, went a bit wrong at the end or whatever. But the fact that I'd want to delete this person out of my life and I spent nine years with them, I think that's a little bit weird. I am on the fence about that at the moment. And that is something I've been thinking an awful lot about. And it's. Do you want to erase those persons or people, that one person or multiple people because a situation didn't work out, a relationship didn't work out? Or are you willing to, you know, acknowledge that you shared your life with that person or those people and do yourself justice by not erasing that in any way? So there are two sides of the coin to that some people want to totally remove, maybe because of pain suppressed or that's still ongoing and not, you know, scars that have not healed that can't acknowledge or have anything to do with that. Or there are those people that are not willing, like you to let go of those certain parts of their life from relationships monogamous or, you know, multiple relationships, whatever, that one person. And they want to acknowledge that that happened and it helped them learn a lesson and it made them who they are today. And I think that in itself is a really interesting, interesting radio show. Yes. Maybe you should come back for that. So something I wanted to talk to you about is today people struggle to commit to being exclusive. Okay, so let's just talk about. Let's just make it really simple heterosexual relationship. Okay. One person we're dating, we've met on Linda or whatever we should call the app. Oh, no. Cause Linda. Oh, isn't that a gay app, actually? Okay, so we didn't meet on Linda because it's not a heterosexual relationship. Sorry, listeners. So we've met on some app, and we're dating, and we like each other, but we're in a situationship. We're not in a relationship because we are not ready to commit to even exclusively sleeping with each other. Because that's a big commitment. Yeah. What do you think about that? And that is rife in the world today, particularly with millennials. Exclusively sleeping with each other is a big commitment, let alone jumping into a relationship. Well, what I have to say to those people is they're obviously not doing it properly. If someone is that amazing, I'm quite happy to spend all my time with them because, well, Susan, actually, you're super duper direct, and you actually don't get anywhere in life by not being direct. And you have gotten to the top. For those of you listening in, Susan's top dog in her sector. I want you to know that. And so she's direct, and she gets to where she wants to be because of that. But not everyone is like you. No, this is very true. So what advice would you give to somebody in a situationship where they're dying to be exclusive with someone, but they can't even take the leap to have that conversation, that tough conversation? Well, as with any of these fears, the best thing is to just crack on with it. And so if you know, you like the person you. That is what you generally want. You'd want to go, hey, so should we just, you know, be boyfriend, girlfriend, exclusive? Genuine coaching tip. I would say practice the conversation out loud in the mirror and actually practice getting those words out, for one. Because that's the thing. If you generally feel in your heart you want to be with that person, you won't know until you ask. And if they. If you don't get the answer you want, don't make it mean anything. You know, just move on. But again, like physical tip, actually practice having that conversation out loud. It's a little bit different going over it in your head or talking to the dog about it. It's, you know, actually physically practice it, because you'll be sat there. Because I remember when I was splitting up with the next, it took me like 10 cups of tea to actually get my words out. Oh, my gosh, your dog must have heard an awful lot. But, yeah, practice. And if you don't ask, you don't get, so. Exactly. And I suppose you'll always be toying with those conversations. What if. Yeah, what if time and energy is so important and you're like. It's like analysis paralysis and not making a decision is making a decision. So just analysis paralysis and indecision. It's a killer. A killer. Waste so much time. Stop it. Analysis paralysis. I'm with Susan Madison. This is Sarah Louise Ryan here at Women's Radio Station. This is Love Lessons. And we'll be back. From all the presenters and the team behind Women's Radio Station, thank you for listening. You've been the most amazing audience with your sparkling enthusiasm and support. So from our hearts, we would like to wish you a very merry Christmas and a wonderful new year full of joy and surprises. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? 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Every little will help. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. Welcome back to women's radio Station. We're here at Love Lessons with Susan Madison. Welcome back. Hello, world. Hello. Hello, world. Today we're talking about polygamy and we've kind of touched on monogamy and I think we should touch on it a little bit further. What do you think? Okay. Yes. Well, most of the world do that one, so we should probably talk about that a little bit. Let's talk about the beauty of monogamy. What do you love about it? It's so I've had two monogamous relationships. One a nine year. One. One year. And they're both very intense. For me to allow someone to, like, live in my personal space is definitely saying something. I'm quite introverted, quite private. Did you live. Do you mean your emotional space or your physical space? Like physical space and emotional space as well. You know, it sets where, you know, you are completely vulnerable. They are going to see you at all times of the day. Not looking so great. They're going to see you. You know, you will lash out at them, you'll be angry at them, they'll see you cry, et cetera, et cetera. So it is that, you know, this is all of me and you love me and you're choosing to be in my space and just accept me and see me, all of me. You're choosing me on this emotional roller coaster such as life. Oh, yeah. And enjoy the ride. Or not. Yeah, exactly. The thing is, the difference between monogamy and polygamy is that, you know, monogamy is like you're kind of there all the time, whereas polygamy, it's like, yeah, okay, we'll spend the weekend together, we'll do this, I'll see you in a few weeks or whatever. And it's kind of, you know, you just enjoy each other in little compartments. But when you're. Well, I'm talking about when you're living with someone all of the time, that's a completely different ball game. There's generally no hiding in that one and that's a beautiful thing for someone just to completely or mostly completely accept you and just love you as you are. Susan, you are probably opening an awful lot of minds out there to polygamy and to how it can work both emotionally and in terms of time and, you know, physically. Would you mind me asking, and you don't have to answer. I probably will, though. Of course you will. I know you too well now for that. What's your current relationship status? So I'm single. So I've actually gone to the other end of the spectrum. So I've wanted to be in a monogamous relationship for probably a couple of years. So last year, you know, I was seeing the old favorites, maybe bringing a few new ones in now and again. So again, I lead quite a busy life, so that's the easy option. But then when I was really thinking about it, I was thinking, ooh. So I'm very open, honest, as you can tell. So say if Mr. Right comes along and I'm going, so, you know, I'm seeing four different people. It doesn't sound that great, especially of men. They're like, oh, she's mine. Don't want people touching my things. It's generally how guys are. I was like. And then also, I'm not creating space in my life. Like, oh, I've got a busy life and I've got these four whatever, other people on the go. When am I gonna have time for this other person? So at Christmas, just gone. I actually had a little word with myself, as you do, and I made up a rule, and that was rule number one. Don't be number two. Oh, I love that. Because honestly, if you're seeing people, you're not the number one. You know, if someone really. And I've got some guys. It's. It's frustrating. Some of these long term polygamous relationships, it's. You can tell they really would love to be with me. They're like, you know, we'll be with each other when we're both single, yet, you know, when they're with their girlfriends, they're like, oh, I want to talk to you. I want to see you. Like, nothing physically happening, but it's just. They're that. That scared just to fully be with me, or maybe they'll think I'll reject them or something like that. So when you're seeing people, technically you're their number two, whereas I want to be someone's one and only, like, absolute adoration, power partner. So I've kind of like knocked all of that funny business on the head. So this year, yeah, it's been a bit of a dry spell, if I'm being honest. Something that's kind of making me laugh, and I'm trying to hold the laughter in, is that you have this really beautiful terminology that rule number one, don't be number. And I've always just said to myself and my friends, just don't be a side salad. Ooh, I like that. Yes. You're no side salad. Definitely not a side salad. And you are no side salad. Definitely not. Yeah. It's the same concept. It's exactly the same thing. So I had an inkling that you were single. And also because I remember the last time we met, you told me how much you were focusing on yourself. Yes. One thing I'd like to point out, which is an opinion, not a question. I am quite surprised that you are so focused on things like the law of the attraction and attracting, like what you put out into the world and all of that stuff where you have been looking for a monogamous relationship and still circulating that group of people. But you. It's almost like you know better than that, but you just can't get enough or something. It just appears. And it's really hard to say no if it's sweet. No. And that's not in any way like sex shaming or whatever. You should totally be as fluid and as open as you absolutely want. But I just think it's interesting how sometimes as human beings, we say we want one thing and we probably truly do want it, but sometimes we just can't help but do what? Little bit. No, honestly, there's. If we're gonna go down the cochi route, there's. People say they want something. Yeah. But then deep down, unconsciously, maybe they don't think they can have it. There's some underlying currents there which might be energetically putting out different vibes. So there could be a little bit of that going on. Perhaps we'll bring a psychologist in next time. Yes. I think we should absolutely analyze this. So practically speaking, Susan, you super successful. And if you won't say it, I absolutely will. But you probably will because you're confident. I love that about you. You're successful. You manage a lot of people in a success. A sector. Sorry, a sector that is thriving. Yes. And you travel an awful lot. Yes. How? And please explain to all the other busy, successful, financially, emotionally intellectually independent women out there, how easy or difficult is it to find love or to date and start the process? Okay, so the Easy answer to this is, you know, if something's not a priority in your life, you're not going to make time for it. So unfortunately, if you have the. If your goal is to find man or dating, if it's not in your head a priority, if it's not scheduled in for the busy people out there, it's not gonna happen. End of story. So this is where, if you are the busy, high powered, successful woman, you really need to look at your life. And, you know, this has been thrown in my face a few times now where men I've been interested in, they're like, oh my gosh, it's so hard to get like a date with you. Like, you're. If I miss you, then like, it's three weeks away and there was another guy I was seeing and it was really hard to get some time with him. And then when I actually thought about it, because I was actually like, you know, you're actually getting quite irate trying to book this date in Oscar. And then I actually, like checked myself, I was like, this is what it must be like trying to get some time with me. And it makes you think. So if you really, really desire to be in that relationship or find the man, woman, whatever, just as you'd prioritize the gym or your kids or whatever it is work, you've got to schedule that into your diaries and make time for it and make yourself available. Otherwise it's just not gonna happen. Susan, thank you so much for that. There are so many women out there that are like you, particularly in big cities such as New York, London, even in the uk, Manchester, Leeds, you know, really busy places. We work really, really hard. Finding someone to date and have a serious relationship with is difficult, especially when you are quite successful. So can I ask, what perception do you find, if you have any knowledge at all, do you think men have of you when you go on dates? Do you think they find you any blank? Like, I'm not gonna say any words, what do you think? I know this because I've had men tell me in my polygamous relationships and really close guy friends said. And they. And they have said to most men, you will be very intimidating. You earn lots of money, you're very confident, you're very direct, you know what you want. You do loads of personal development. Like, it's been said to me that, like, some men, they just, they don't know if they can keep me or keep me interested or because I don't technically need anyone to look after me, like, so provide for me financially and, you know, be the life coach so I can sort myself out as well. So I've had a, like a couple of guy friends say, you know, one of the things I think you'll find difficult is finding that super confident man that knows that, you know, he can provide for you. All I technically need is love and someone to love me for who I am and, you know, have deep conversations with all that kind of good stuff. But no, it is that the perception is, is that, that most guys are, can I provide for her? What am I going to do for her? So I think whenever I talk about guys and relationships as the five Ps, so most guys want you to procreate, put a smile on your face, solve your problems. I've forgot what the other ones are. Completely forgot what they are. Provide for you and the other one. But if you kind of, if you provide for yourself, you can solve your own problems. You don't let them do anything for you. Then they're just like, well, how can I help you? They don't feel like you need them. Yeah, exactly where it's. Yeah, I don't technically need them, but you do. You want someone to look after you. But then there's another switch here that my friend actually bought this up. It's like, well, no, yeah, you do need a man you want. So if you want to have babies, you need a man. You might want to have someone to, like, ground you, balance you. So maybe I do technically need one. Susan Madison, you're amazing. Firstly, secondly, what advice would you give to men out there. Yeah. That are struggling to date women like you? Successful, independent, financially emotionally stable. Yeah, tell me what, what advice would you give to them? Oh, it's really bloody easy. Just ask. Like, honestly, it is really not that hard to get a date with me. Like, you just have to actually have the courage to come up to me and ask. And I am not mean. Like, you know, if I kind of find you a bit cute, and it's not all about the looks either, I will give you a go. But, like, just, it's that thing. Just ask. Like, that's the number one thing. Just like, literally get the courage up, walk up to me and do you know what, Susan? I think there are so many complex conversations to be had with you that are so interesting and our users. Oh, my gosh, I think I need a glass of wine. Our listeners could take so much away from you. But very simply, I've taken a couple of really important lessons from you today about being direct and how you never get what you want if you don't say and speak up as a woman or otherwise. And for men or women out there dating, whoever you know, not getting what you want, just ask. Yeah, just ask. Assumptions and expectations are the root of all upsets. Sarah Louise Ryan here with the glorious Susan Madison. We have been talking about polygamy versus monogamy here at Love Lessons. Women's Women Radio Station Women's Radio Station is looking forward to a great 2019 with more shows coming your way. All the presenters and the team behind each program would like to say a big thank you for listening. 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