Love Lessons – Recovery From Toxic Relationships, Faisal Khokhar

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan, and welcome to Love Lessons, here live in the studio. I have got a wonderful guest in today on the show, where we talk all things dating, relationships, breakups and divorce, to bouncing back again as a confident solo. So today we're going to be talking about bouncing back after a breakup, thriving through it all. And I have the wonderful Faisal Kocar, who is an international speaker and expert in the dating industry. Welcome, Faisal. Hi, Sarah, how are you? I'm really good, actually. I'm in a very good mood. I think I woke up with a bit of mundane motivation. And so despite the subject, I'm actually feeling really good. Feeling like we've got so many snippets of things to share with new singles out there to help them cultivate confidence. I'm excited. Are you excited? Yeah. Let's go. Amazing. So, Faisal, let's have a chat about, first and foremost, the beginning stages of a breakup, where we actually can feel like we just don't want to get out of bed. We might have a whole agenda of things that we need to get through that day. We've got meetings, maybe we've got Skype calls, or maybe if you're an entrepreneur, you work from home and you're kind of like trying to hide under your duvet and do your emails intermittently. How can we inspire new singles to get out of bed and create a positive routine during those difficult initial stages as a new solo? So, speaking of breakups, I went through one. It was a challenge because I was married for nine years, and so I understand the challenges that come with it. And during the breakup, how it happens normally is one person doesn't see it coming. So I was one of those guys who didn't see it coming. And then, bang, I'm hit with this breakup. And so it kind of hit me for six. And so I, you know, I really struggled because I. My whole world just changed. It was because I've got two children as well and their lives are going to be impacted. My life was going to be impacted. It was not as the world I knew. So everything from that day just changed and my motivation, everything just dropped. So I find it a real challenge. It was the. I guess the best thing I had was support. And a lot of the times what we can do, especially guys, they go inwards and they go insular and they try to figure out. Sort it out in themselves. And I did that as well. I thought, you know what? I can fix this. I can figure it out. I know, you know there's got to be a solution. So you kind of went inward in a way to find a methodical approach to this unmatching process where you were thinking, okay, there's just an ingredient that was missing, and I just need to figure out what that ingredient was and bring it back to the mix. Is that what it was? Yeah, I mean, that's what I thought it was. How long ago was that? So that was six years ago. So six years ago. And after that it was a, a challenge because I spent, you know, months and months, months trying to figure out what's going on, is it, you know, what happened, why has it happened? So all these questions came up and then I'm just trying to find a resolution and struggling with that. And because your whole world has changed, everything around you is not the same. And what you're trying to do is you're looking for certainty. You know, you're trying to find that comfort place you want to find. You want to, you know, you don't know what's going to happen, you don't know how it's, you know, like all the things the whole world is going to change. So we try to bring that certainty in. And that's what I was looking for. So I was trying to grab every single thing that was around me and just trying to bring it back to the world. It was, I guess it's the fear of the unknown, of this new chapter that you didn't think was ever going to be written. Yeah, absolutely. It's one of the chapters I feared the most as well. Oh, really? Yeah. I was like, losing your partner? Yeah, it's like losing my family, losing my partner, you know, and sometimes I was running in the back of my mind, I was like, okay, you know, what, what happens if this happens or what happens if my partner cheated or what, you know, would I be able to recover from it? Sometimes you have all these thoughts and behold, it happened. Interestingly enough. And the listeners have heard me talk many a time about my breakup, my seven year breakup that came to an abrupt end. And I have talked about it very publicly and also said that I never saw it coming. But over the years, it's been a few years now, a lot of people have asked me, but did you really not see any signs you didn't see coming? And I've had to think really hard and long about signs and different things that have been put to me about somebody that's moving on emotionally and physically when you're still in a relationship about, you know, different people said you know, what about peacocking? Were there signs of that? Or what about, you know, distance and, you know, coming home, like any of those things and breakdown in communication. Can you, can you honestly say? Because now I think back and I think I ignored the signs or just had so much loyalty and, you know, unshakable trust for somebody that I just didn't think there were anything to worry about. Do you, what do you think about all of that? Is it relative and relatable to you can. Did you really not see any signs? Okay, signs were always there. The signs are always there. Whether we able to read them, understand them, decipher them, That's a completely different aspect. But the signs are there. The signs. The signs are always there. The distance, the, you know, the arguments that happen. And also the signs ones I were, I wasn't saying I was missing them, but I was unconsciously choosing to ignore them. Interesting. Unconsciously choosing to ignore them. Yeah, because I was just choosing because I was thinking, okay, you know what, this is just temporary. Here's a problem in our relationship, I can fix it and then everything be okay. Then we just carry on, it's all fixable. Yeah, you know, I had my masculine fix it hat on to a situation. So I was approaching emotional situations with, with the cognitive, like the logical fixing it. Yes. You weren't sitting with those emotions. You weren't being submerged by them in a way. You were kind of just thinking, okay, here's a to do list that I can attach to that and here's how I can overcome it. But actually, there's a whole world of good that we can do to ourselves when we sit and feel those feelings and digest, you know, why we feel that way and, and how we would like to feel next if how we're feeling right now isn't serving us. And how did we feel in the relationship? Because we have to think about all the lessons that we've learned from that relationship. Did we feel 100% fulfilled? Did we feel ultimate happiness that we absolutely do deserve? And the answers to those questions that can come up for us can be really hard to digest when we are faced with having to ask them them. So what did you find when you had to face those questions yourself when it did inevitably come to its end? And how did you overcome any hurdles? So for me, the breakup was, I call it my paradox day. Paradox day. Paradox day. It was the worst day of my life. Not just because the relationships, because I couldn't realize that there was already emotionally, she already had moved on, checked out yeah. As it's checked out. So I can see that. And that's why, you know, when we are already emotionally gone, you know, and that normally happens when you get to couples therapy as well. So usually couples therapy, one person is already checked out, but, you know, they're just trying to find every resources to bring them together. So that happened to me. So we didn't go to couples therapy. Even though there was a suggestion of it. I was like, oh, it's fine. We can sort it out. We don't need anybody else. You know, we got this. I can fix this. We just need to talk to each other and that's it. Yeah. And I thought, you know what? Okay, I understand the problem. And then, yeah, we can fix it. So the. The reason why was my paradox day, because it was the worst day, but also the best day of my life. Right. Because it gave me a gift. I couldn't exactly see it, but I felt it. And it was a gift. It was. It what I call it was my awakening. So I really woke up and I just did something that I didn't realize I could do. So I remember standing there, do I turn right or left? I don't know why this came out. These thoughts came into my mind. So do I turn right or left? Right meant, okay, I'm gonna fight this and argue with this. Right. And no, you're not taking my kids away. No, you're not, you know, separating the family, or do I turn left, which meant taking a hundred percent responsibility of everything in my life. And I just instantly moved towards left. And I literally dropped on my knees and I put my hands on my heart, which I've never done before. And I said, I'm taking a hundred responsibility. Not 99%, no nothing. 100% responsibility of my world, my internal world, my external world. I'm not 100% responsible for, say, things that other people do or causes, but I'm 100% responsible for me and my world and everything in my world. And that was my greatest gift. Really interesting story. And I just think that there's so much for us to talk about, especially after the break, because we, you know, we're such chatters, and it's such an interesting topic about taking 100% responsibility. Because in a relationship, even if one person decides to leave, whether it's because they've emotionally checked out or physically, they've had an attachment to somebody else or whatever it is, if there are two parties in a relationship, which there always are, then we're both responsible. And if we don't take 100% responsibility in the aftermath of an unmatching, then what we're basically saying is I'm not having enough integrity for myself. I'm not acknowledging where I could be ultimately happy because I've ignored the fact that I haven't actually been a relationship where two people have fulfilled their part, you know, making it wholesome. And so I think it's really interesting that you took that turn and you went left instead and took 100% responsibility. How did that feel? Liberating, I guess. Freeing. Freeing. Absolutely. It was freeing. It was just an incredible gift. Yeah. I am Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here on Love Lessons and we're with Faisal Kocar and we're talking about thriving and bouncing back after a breakup. Really interesting topic where, you know, we are going to be talking about the practical steps of creating positive routines and building that path forward for yourself as a solo with loads of self care. Feeling really good. So we'll be right back after the break here in the studio on Love Lessons Live. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. 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Everything I've known so far, whether it's been six months or 16 years or however long in a relationship that has been unmindful, unmatching or unmindful, unmatching. How to move forward when you feel like all your emotions and your, you know, your physical abundance is kind of falling by the wayside because you just don't know how to get out of bed, I guess. So Faisal's been telling us a little bit about his personal story just before the break and we were talking about turning right, where you kind of, you know, it's the fight or flight and you kind of fight and you bite back for everything that you want in a relationship with, or you just hold your hands up, you take 100% responsibility and say, hey, one person or both people are not happy. It's time to sit in acceptance and walk away from this. So tell us, Faisal, as you were just mentioning before the break, that you took 100% responsibility. How did the next days after that show themselves up for you? What came after that? Acceptance of responsibility. Okay, so though taking hundred percent responsibility, I guess a few months afterwards, it wasn't easy, so it was challenging. There was parts where I was, like, blaming myself, like, okay, you know I'm wrong or I'm silly, or I did this. This is, you know, just taking. Berating myself. Chipping away at your confidence. Yeah, absolutely. And then I realized, okay, I've taken 100% responsibility, but this isn't helping me. So this is not serving me. This is not helping me. And, you know, I went through some dark places, dark times as well. And I realized because, you know, when you have a breakup, it's. It's serious abandonment. So it triggers all your abandonment issues. It triggers all shaming that goes on. And there was a process of griefing through that. And that took some time. That took. That took some time. But I also then started to focus on the positive sides of it. Okay, so what does this bring to me? What are the gifts that bring to me? So I spent. Some of the things I did was just listen to audiobooks. Yes, audiobooks after audiobooks. I was just putting in positive things in my mind. But do you know, my first thought that just popped into my head now is that people that go through, you know, I'm not putting labels on you, but just as examples, periods of anxiety or low mood, depression, whatever. For whatever's triggered that moment with mental health can often find themselves digesting things that are not helpful. Yeah, like social media, endless scrolling, because we're getting lost in a virtual space that isn't reality. And you taking the plunge and listening to podcasts and audiobooks, actually, you're learning something. You're not just endless scrolling. And you could have gone on to do something completely unproductive. And you didn't do that. No, I did fight in you. Absolutely. I did this challenge. I remember this now. So I did this challenge. It was called the seven day mental diet challenge. Oh, tell us about that. So for seven days, every time you have a negative thought that you entertain, you start the seven days again. What does entertaining a negative thought look like? You start overthinking you start creating things that are not there. You start. One of the ways that we toxify our mindset is we start. We start creating things in our mind and then the ruminating mind just goes over and over again. And we have this loop. We start telling ourselves a million untruths and stories that we've just made up, and we're feeding them to ourselves. Absolutely. And we get stuck in a loop, and it's this loop, which is toxic. It's stopping this loop. So you would highly recommend some sort of challenge to, you know, get yourself back on track, create a sense of routine. Another thing that came up for me earlier, but obviously you and I have got so much to talk about and go through, is that when I went through my breakup, I was running a global business and I was so in control of my life, you know, flying from one place to another, looking after really successful clients who wanted me to help them in their love lives. And I thought I had mine together. And so that is when, as a female entrepreneur, we have imposter syndrome. Anyway. But then when my relationship fell by the wayside and I was responsible for a lot of people's love lives all over the world, I felt a sense of shame and not being able to look after people or the team in the way that I thought I had my. My s. Together. And so I had a complete, like, loss of control, which felt on the. On the cusp of a breakdown because I thought, oh my gosh, all I. I'm so out of control. Like, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm now this imposter in my career, let alone in my love life, my personal life. And so I wondered, just with me sharing that, did you, because you're an international, well established speaker and you know, you have done really very well, did you feel out of control when you were so in control? Yeah, absolutely. You know, I had that shame going on as well. And how did you overcome, you know, So I wanted to study. I started studying human behavior because I wanted to figure out what's going on and I just wanted to get to the root cause of it. So my background is information technology. IT I'm a computer systems program and developer. And my job is to solve problems. Okay. So becoming very left brain, very practical. So empathy and things like that. Empathy wasn't my natural emotion. Yeah. Because I work in logic rather than emotions. My natural state. Yeah. So, yeah, I just wanted to solve this. And so when I had shame and emotions going on, I was like, wow, this is New I kind of felt it, but I didn't have an understanding of it. And lots of people don't have an understanding of it. So when I had this shame, then I started studying about shame. And you know, there are some great authors on shame. Yes. One of the things to the antidote, as Ben Brown says, is that the antidote for shame is vulnerability. And that means finding someone safe to be able to express, you know, what's going on in your world, you know, and then it's about putting your hands up and airing out your flaws. So did you find that you were sharing your story quite openly in the beginning? And the reason I asked that, obviously it's a fully loaded question because we're here with the listeners in mind who are thinking, I am ashamed that this relationship or marriage or, you know, situationship, you know, a relationship that wasn't quite established or serving someone, but they're still very attached to that. The shame that can come with things breaking down and us as human beings having, you know, breakdowns and it's all very normal. We all go through loss and love and we learn how, how can we, how can we move forward positively? And how did you bring your all your pieces, your broken pieces back together again in those first stages? So one of the reasons, one of the things I did was try to, I did find somebody that I could talk to. Yes. So finding this someone safe who you feel will hold space for you so you don't feel judged, non judgmental space. So I love the saying holding space is where the other person creates an environment where you're able to express something and they can go with you without judgment, without forcing anything. They just allow you to be. Yes, like express. There's no right or wrong. It's just, you know, an expression that goes on. A huge thing for me was the idea of accepting the things that you cannot change. Yeah, absolutely. Changing the things you can and having that wisdom to know the difference. And I know that is something that is a very famous saying, but for me that was a go to during Heartbreak Hotel because I just had to think, okay, can I change this right now? Can I be accountable? Okay, well, let's go with that. Can I change the fact that he's now on social media having a whale of a time and I'm like here suffering like the biggest loss of my life now I can't change that. So go with the things that I can. Could you find a way? Because we're not all able. And I certainly wasn't able to in the Beginning. Can you. Did you find things that you could change and did you see things that you couldn't that were, you know, hindering you, but you had to separate? Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. And there are some things that you can change and not always in the moment or in that time. So I had to build a lot of practices around patience as well. That's interesting. Yeah, because it's not about, oh my God, I can be positive straight away. No, positive doesn't work in that way. You know, you can throw a lot of positive vibes into yourself, but it doesn't congruently sit with you if there's something else submarinely going on. So other than patience, what else did you build into your practices? Understanding. So there's like five principles I have. Tell us briefly and then let's delve into it after the break. So the first principle is looking into something. So once we look into something, is understanding it. So once we look into it, once we understand it, then is accepting it. Then comes letting go and forgiveness and then gratitude. So this is a detox, mental detox after every adversity. Really interesting. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here with Faisal and we're talking about overcoming the hurdles of heartbreak. So with those five steps, I think we should totally delve into how you cultivated this practice. It sounds to me that it's, it's come off the back of the psychological process of the grief cycle where we as human beings go through the grief and we're in denial and then we have to accept and we go through our bargaining stages with our previous partner because we do try and fight for a little while, but it's. At what point do we accept and we give up on that bargaining to keep our integrity for ourselves. So. So I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. We'll be back after the break with Faisal talking about thriving through to all post breakup. See you then. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education, and most important importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. 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With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Hello and welcome back to Love Lessons live in the studio in Covent Garden, London. Today we're talking all things thrive, thriving through to post breakup. So if you're just tuning in, this is Love Lessons and this is the show where we talk about everything from dating, relationships, divorce to starting all over again as confident, single. And we're really shouting out to all of those people who are going through a breakup or trying to heal through all the hurts that heartbreak can bring around. Or if you're tuning in and you've Got a friend who's going through. Through this right now, and they need some practical tips. Then Faisal in the studio is your guy, and he's giving us everything we need to know in snippets of starting over. So welcome back, Faisal. Hi. Great to have you here. Such positive energy in the studio. So just before the break, we were talking about your five practical steps. What did you call it? So it's my mental detox. Your mental detox, Absolutely. I do this with every single client before I work. You know, when we start working, this is step one. This is step one. I said, before we can do anything else, we gotta get this foundation work done. So it's like clean the house or clean something. You don't bring something new in until you, you know, for example, you don't eat from a dirty plate again. So you have a nice clean plate, and then we can build something on top of that. So step one, is it the practicalities of getting rid of anything? Is it kind of like Marie Kwondo? We hold up a T shirt and think, oh, gosh, he or she bought me that, and it's got to go. Is it anything that we've attached memories to in the house? No, it's not physical. No, it's so. So the mental detox happens. You know, it's all about you. It's not about the outside world. So what I do is, I said, like, first step is looking into. So looking into. Are you open and willing to look into this? With 100 ownership, it's not about, oh, yeah, but they did this. They did. I hear this all the time, and I'm like, I'm not interested. If you talk about it's their fault. It's their fault. It's that fault. No, I'm like, you know what? You're blaming the outside world, and you're not. We can't work because you're not gonna. It's your ability to transform. It's very slow. So I work with people. I listen to one thing. Oh, you know, ownership. When they have ownership as a coach, I know this person is going to change, and they're going to change fast, quick, and they're going to make an incredible life. Going to see incredible break. Absolutely. They're the one who's. They're the goal champion. They're the one, like, saying, okay, this happened. All right, how am I going to deal with this? So step one is looking into it. Are they prepared for ownership? Second step, I take them, is to understand. Understand what's going on in the world. Can I just scrape it back before. Understand. My first. My thought process just a moment ago was about the ownership. How does resistance show itself up in a way that. Okay, there's this topic that, you know, I want to delve into, but I just. I mean, what does resistance look like? And how do you know your client's not ready or not willing to look into that? Okay. So I do a resistance test as well. And for example, I'm like, how badly do you want this? Oh, I want this. How are you committed to this? I'm really committed to this. So I'll give them a bit of a test. I'm saying, okay, I want to see how committed you are. I'm going to give you a couple of challenges. I'm going to give a couple of challenges. First, you have to go on my website. You have to go to this page, and then you got to fill in a form. Those who don't know, they're not committed. Yeah, they're not. They're not committed to the growth. Okay, you've done this. Now I want you to take a second step so I know the people who are right. Okay. Ready for change. They pass through the hurdles. Yes. Okay. If they're not passing through the hurdles. I know. Okay. You know what? You just want. You want. You have other needs that you want to meet. You just want somebody to say, ah, pat on the back. Oh, my God. Yeah. They want the violin, they want the drama, the story, and they want the pity party. So slipping into victory. Yeah. Oh, my God. You know, this happened to me. I'm like, okay, I'm not the person for you, to help you through this journey. If you want to stay in Piri party. Absolutely. That's your journey. That's your path that you've. You know, maybe you're not ready right now. Yeah. It doesn't mean you won't be ready in the future. And we all have our own timelines to get to that thriving stage where we're ready to turn this ship around. Yeah. And you shouldn't measure your timeline to heal against somebody else's. If someone five days in is in the anger stage of the cycle and thinks, I'm turning the ship around right now, this is not for me. I'm not feeling it. Well, if you're sitting with those feelings and you are, you know, trying to work through the stuff, take your time, but when you're ready to turn it around, don't come with resistance. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I have coaches, too. Every Good coach, right? Absolutely. So I have my coaches and they're like, faisal, you're resisting. I'm like, I know. And you know, one of the gifts that they bring is patience. You know, they understand nature, they understand psychology, they understand the movements. Not everybody's ready to see the view on top of the mountains right away. Yes. And, you know, we want to show them, you know, like, okay, this can happen, this can happen. But psychologically we're not there. But that's okay. And that's your path. That's something maybe you need to go through. But when you are, you know, like during those moments, just still have ownership and it's like, this is important to me. I want to do so. When I'm working with some clients, some clients take a lot longer, and I understand that. And sometimes they don't need working for the layers. Absolutely. And I don't for them. I understand that they're going through some time, so I give them presence and support. That's all they need. You know, we try to safe space. That sounding absolutely, you know, like, I get it, you know, you can't just fix it in a straight away. It's not like, you know, here's the tools here to go. I'm going to fix it straight away. Sometimes it just takes a lot longer, take some time for healing. So let nature. Let nature show up. You know, we try to meddle with nature. So what we do is we slow healing down more than anything, we slowly down by overthinking. Yes. And that's one of the problems that we have. So in my five steps, we have so looking into it. One is understanding human behavior. So we understand that, you know, people make mistakes, I've made mistakes. So I go through like a judgment. I call it judgment. F. And I probably can't swear on that. I call it judgment. F. And then we go through judgment. We understand that, you know, I judge, they judge, you know, And I love Eckhart Tolle's quote. He said, if I had the same upbringing, the same experiences, the same knowledge, I would act and behave in exactly the same way. With this comes acceptance. So first, the second step is understanding. Third is accepting that. Accepting that we are Homo sapiens, we are humans, we make mistakes, we're not perfect. Okay. After understanding that, then the fourth is letting that go, you know, understanding that and letting that go. Forgiving and then letting go. So I forgive, you know, I forgive myself. How I showed up in the world, you know, and with all my heart, I didn't mean to show up. I didn't. You know, no one makes mistakes on purpose. Everyone's trying to meet a need. And I always say, and I've said it a couple of times before, forgive yourself for not having the foresight to see what you now see in hindsight. Absolutely. And these things are sent to test us, aren't they? They're sent to test what we're made of and change the course that of. Of our life. But it's a. It's a course that you're. You're meant to be on, but you just hadn't thought about it, hadn't planned. Absolutely. It's a journey, and everyone has their own journey. I respect everyone else's journey, their time. And I can be as a coach, you know, you as a third party, like, you know, come on, I want you to really succeed. But, you know, you are rooting for them, but you're also being patient with them and loving for them, caring for them. And sometimes we only fix it. We just need to give a lot of people the love that they need, the support and guidance. Yes. You know, so when we do the. I do the forgiving. Forgiving, and then letting go, it's like, let go of this. These things happen. Yes. And the fifth one, and this is the hard one. And this is the one I give my clients. And I remember giving my. One of my clients this yesterday. And she goes, no effing way am I doing this. What was it? And I said, you got to do this in order to free yourself from the prison that you've put yourself in. And she says, no, I'm not doing it. And I said, I want you to know that you're not doing this for the other person. You're doing this for you. When you understand that this will free you, your life is going to so much change. Tell us, what is it? 5 is gratitude for the person who hurt you. And it's like she goes, I'm not ready. I'm not in the moment. That's the moment you have to do it. Yes. Because it's so hard. Because when things are hard, that's the moment you lean in and do them. Yes. If we do things when they're easy, oh, my God, then what's the point? There's no. It's. Everyone can be. Everyone can be very positive when they're feeling happy. You know, the whole feelings and weight of grief around loss, when you've gotten through the hurts of that heartbreak, whether it was a physical loss, you know, and someone has passed away, which can happen, or the loss of love, the weight of the grief can often be the same because it's the death of a relationship. Absolutely. Yeah. And when you work through all of those hurts, the learnings on the other side about what you're made of, what you're capable of, the strength that you have and the capacity to reach all of the goals and create, you know, cultivate things in your life that you didn't give time to. When you're on the other side of that breakup is absolutely incredible. And I think it's when you cross the river and get to that other side, that's when the gratitude can start to creep in. Absolutely. Are you talking about creating it consciously? If you want to build a muscle, you don't want to pick lightweights. Right. If you want to build that resilience, that strength in you, it's about you, not about them. It's doing the hard things in the moments when you don't want to do the hard things. And when you can set your psychology up in that, you know, you don't hear a limping going, ah, you know what? That's hard. So I'll do it when I can, when I can really do it. No, you don't. I'll do it when I feel like I'm ready. We're never ready. Absolutely. Before you're ready. Absolutely. You want to grow or you just want to stay in comfort? So I want to tell you a bit more about this afterwards. Yes. And actually after the break, I want to delve into something that we touched on very lightly about those quick fixes. We're on the cusp of coughing season, which means that when we're physically cold, we are seeking psychological warmth. And I really want to make clear what a rebound is and how we feel on a rebound. Because I don't want anyone who's going through the weight of a romantic loss to rebound. What do you think it could serve them? You never know. We'll be right back after the break. Welcome to women's Radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic Women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. 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To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's wellbeing. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's Women's Radio STN or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live in the studio in Covent Garden. Today we're talking about. Thanks. Thriving through it all, post breakup, bouncing back after all of that heartbreak. And I'm here with Faisal Kokar. So welcome back, Faisal. Thank you. So just before the break, we were talking about Faisal's five step plan to getting you back on track, to surviving and resurfacing as a confident solo. Obviously it takes time, but practically we're here to give you the tips and share our stories about heartbreak so you know that you're not on your own. And we all experience love, we all experience loss. And there are ways to get through it. So thanks for being here today. Thank you. Thank you for having me. So let's get back to what we were just talking about before the break. Detox. Yeah. So detoxing. So we talked about the five steps. So last step is the most challenging one. It's called, you know, I call it gratitude for your. The person who hurt you. Now, I do get a lot of resistance from clients going, no, I'm not ready. I can't do this. I'm saying this is the time to do this. It's not for you. Sorry. It's not for them, it's for you. Now I just say, look, you've got seven days. Seven days. Every night you write something, a gift that it's given you for seven days. And I said, and they're like, oh, it's so hard. I can't do this. I'm like, you know what? I did this for three months. Every night I will write something I was grateful for about my ex. Now, the reason why I did this wasn't because. The reason why I did this was because I wanted to take my own well being. I wanted to take out that hate energy that I was holding on to. I wanted to take out, like, it's your fault because of this and you decided this. You know, sometimes we get into that and we start blaming the person. Yeah. So what I do, I wanted to take. I wanted to detox. I want to get rid of this negative energy. I wanted to be free. It's like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die, isn't it? Yeah. So I completely. I did this for 30 days. And because we have two children together, so every time, you know, we saw each other, you know, I had that tension. She had that tension. And my. And our kids could feel it. Oh, gosh. Absolutely. And they could feel that tension. I was like, no, I'm going to get rid of this tension. I said, it's not serving me, it's not serving them, it's not serving her. So for 30 days, every day, I wrote something, I didn't send it to her and I didn't give it to her. And I just saw something like, you know, thank you for showing me this. Thank you for bringing this gift. Thank you for this part in my life. Thank you for seeing some things I did not see. Thank you for teaching me in a way that, okay, it was painful, but thank you for bringing this gift into my life. And after, you know, after three months, I could see we had a great connection. You know, we had a great, we were at a friendship level. And I could see that I wasn't passing my energies on to my children either. And I got this idea from a story I listened to. There was a daughter and mom, mother. And they had a really kind of like difficult challenge and toxic relationship between them. So what the young girl decided to do is every night she put her hands, you know, in a prayer position and then she would say something beautiful about her mom every night. And she would say, you know, I'm grateful. Thank you for mom. Thank you for having, you know, and I think she was like nine years old and over six months that battle, they had just turned around because that energy that they were fighting against was gone. The resistance kind of faded away somehow. Absolutely. So that nine year old, what an amazing woman or girl. But for six months and she didn't tell her mom, she didn't say anything, and she just let the energy just change on that. When our energy changes, you know, people respond to that. So people often ask me practical questions, sorry, questions about the practicalities of a breakup, to be more specific. And while we've got the tips for, you know, emotional well being, what about the, the idea of the no contact rule and is that helpful or more of a hindrance to moving on? I know when you have children it's really difficult. You can't go down the whole no contact route because it's not possible. You know, you have to be in good connect to, you know, make sure the well being of the children is really important and all good and well. So what about when you don't have children? Do you advise like a 30 day no contact rule, 60 day, 90 day year? I mean, how do we get started? So a better question is, what's the purpose of the rule? What's the purpose of the contact? What need am I trying to meet? You know, one of the most important things that coaching has taught me and I ask my clients is, you know, before we make it right or wrong before we make it. We should do this. We should do this. Let's ask the, let's ask better questions. What is the purpose of this? What am I trying to, what need am I trying to meet here? Is it about me? Is it about them or is it about the greater good? Well, if it's about your, your well being in a way where people using social media as a measuring stick as to how well one person is moving on versus another. Yeah. This is the concept of the no contact rule. Because we're often checking in to see where they're at. We're checking up. Yeah. And seeing whether what they're doing. So the whole no contact being social as well as, you know, communication. What do you think? Absolutely. So the question is, if I look at these, if I check them up and it makes me feel uncomfortable, is this serving me? Is it help? Is it, is it helpful to my life? Well, we all know it's not helpful. Well then, then why do we, then, then, you know, is there a period of time where you would recommend that they don't like, is it, do you recommend it? I do recommend things that, you know, that will serve you. But whether, what we do, you know, we're led by emotions. You know, I could, I could tell someone like, you know, hey, here's a habit gone. Go and build a habit. But we don't, we try to meet our needs. You know, we're emotive people. So am I like, okay, if I give you a 30 day no rule, are you gonna carry it out? Are you going to complete it? Yeah, it's a, you know, when I give my clients habits to form, you know, you were mentioning about habits. Yes. Okay. Non serving habits. Absolutely. So I give my clients the smallest habits to do and literally, you know, when people say I'm going to meditate for 20 minutes and things that I asked my clients, I said, you got to pick one habit every morning and they go, okay, and you have to do it for one second. They're like, I could do it for five minutes. I said, no, no, no, I want you to do it for one second every day consistently. If you can do the small things, then you can do the big things. Because we go for the big changes. Oh, yes. Yeah. So I call it like, you know, you're trying to change the door of life and opportunity, but you haven't changed the hinges. So how much is that going to open up? Yes. You know, we go for the big things, but actually the small things that hang on to the big things we often create to do lists, you know, when it comes to goal setting and moving forward and changing the course of our life that are simply unachievable. And you're so right. By doing things for, for a snippet of time enables us to gradually move forward and really attain those goals. Yeah, because we create things out of emotions. For example, New Year's resolution. You know, I was thinking about my New Year's resolution now. Yes, because it's the reset mentality. Right. In September we sit, we take stock and we see how far we've come. It's this, it's innate in us. It's ingrained with this back to back school mentality. We look at our goals that we set for ourselves in January and whether it's fitness, love, finance, career, whatever it is, if we haven't actualized them by September, we just press that reset button and we're like, okay, we're now in the run up to the holidays and we are going to get whatever it is that we want to get. So you've been looking at them? Absolutely, yeah. I mean, for example, you know, I have a belief, it's my own concept and idea why dieting doesn't work. Dieting doesn't work. Habits, a lot of habits don't work because they come from a place of a reaction, not a response. Yes. It's only when we feel, oh my God, I feel I should stop eating a cake because I just checked myself in the mirror or I can feel it and these are reactions. So when we come to a place of reactions, then, because they came from a place of reaction and they're temporary, this stays temporary. Yes. So I always tell my clients, look, rather than making something like from a place of reaction, commonplace of response, so it becomes part of your lifestyle. This is one. I don't know what the stats are for diet fails, but it's never worked for me either. You need to look at a lifestyle change, moreover. Absolutely. Quick fix. So speaking of quick fixes, as we mentioned before the break. Okay. Often it can be the case that single new singles don't know what it's like, especially after a long term relationship, you know, nine years, 19, whatever it is, it doesn't even have to have been that long. You know, the weight of the grief. We can look for comfort in, you know, a rebound. What do you think about rebounding? And do you have any advice to carefully, you know, tread your way through that to thrive instead of carefully tread. So I did so after my breakup. It was a Two year old, no relationship rule, right. For two years. Because a lot of people just go relationship after relationship after relationship and there's no reflection time in that. Yes. So I'm saying, you know, give yourself some reflection time, give yourself some growth time, get some right support and get the right people to help you with this, you know, and then if you do this by yourself, then you, it's, it's a challenge. You can't see your blind spots. You can't. You're not opening yourself up for people to help you, you know? You know, I. Once I've taken help, I take help in every aspect. My business, my social, my everything. And my life is different. It's only because I've surrendered, let go of that control, of trying to be right. No, I make mistakes. I make them all the time. You know, I get it. Yeah, absolutely. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I even say the wrong things as a speaker, you know, I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? When it all lies on you, of course, you can never fully say absolutely. That you planned and life isn't as we all planned. So, Faisal, you have been incredible today. Thank you. It's been a pleasure sharing your vulnerability, sharing all of your insights into thriving through it all. Post breakup, could you give us top three takeaways for those listening in who are healing the hurts as we speak? Okay, absolutely. 1. Take 100% responsibility. It's your world. You're gonna make it. Okay? Take responsibility. Second thing is let go. So let go of things that doesn't serve you. Second thing is be grateful. Okay. Really get into thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I just say thank you, thank you, thank you and build that energy. You know, I'm thankful for things that I have and there's so many people that would want to change their life, me. So thank you, thank you. Gratitude, you can really feel the energy rise when you're positive and you're grateful. Where can people speak to you, hear from you, all that. So find me on social media. So it's Faisal Coco or Faisal KSP Speaks, which is on Instagram. And I have so much nuggets online and I'm happy to give you value. Absolutely amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. This is Love Lessons Live. And we'll be right back next week. Take care. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and Most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website, womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. 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