Trending With Dr Pam Spurr – Charlie King, Dr Mariette Jansen, Jo Hemmings

Hello and welcome. I'm Dr. Pam Spurr, here with you every fortnight, broadcasting live on the men's radio station social media platforms where you can comment, of course, and then of course it's repeated on Fridays on both the men's and the women's station and you can find the men's and women's radio stations on all the social media platforms. Now, every fortnight I check out what's trending with my first guest and we look at maybe what the celebrities and politicians are doing, but then we bring the trends back to our own lives and how they relate to us. Now, my first guest is a very dear friend and he's extremely clued up about all sorts of issues around well being and mental health. He's a TV personality, fitness and motivation expert. You will have undoubtedly seen on things like MTV's Body SOS, TV shows like this Morning and across a whole host of magazines, podcasts and radio shows where he always makes exercise and fitness and eating well something accessible and inclusive on social media. You can find him at charlieking85 for Twitter and on Instagram it's harleyking85 and he should be joining me right now to talk about all sorts of things. Good afternoon, Dr. Pam. Hello, darling. It's been you and I talk. I can't hear you. You can't hear me? Oh, when we did the check earlier you could. Hello, I can hear you perfectly. So what do you need to fiddle with, I wonder, on your phone? Because earlier when we did the. You can't hear me. Do you want to put your headphones in and see if that works? No, I don't have earphones. Okay, I can hear you, but you can't hear me. So do you want everyone can see and hear me, but I can't hear you? That's really weird. That is really weird. Let me see. My microphone's on. Do you want to back out of the link and rejoin and try that and then we can talk all the fitness tips we're going to be talking about. I'll rejoin. Yeah, rejoin. If you rejoin the chat, let's see what happens. And yes, this happens with tech nowadays because of course, radio shows are no longer just on the phone. It was so easy back then. Now it's more complicated with we use a system called streamyard, which is very similar to Zoom and these things happen. We get tech problems. Now Charlie and I are going to be talking about thing, something that's on a lot of people's minds and that is getting fit for spring a Lot of people have been contacting me about not feeling that they've done much during this last lockdown, and particularly mentally, they don't feel very fit. So I'm always talking about mental fitness. And Charlie, when he gets back into the show, when the tech is working, is going to help talk about the physical fitness that's so important, especially when we've been all cooped up. A lot of people feel that it's been winter, too. So even though we've been allowed to go out for walks and whatever, it's been one of those things where people have felt very constrained. It's been cold out. And so they haven't been keeping up their fitness as they might, usually, because, of course, during what happens in January, people join health clubs. They may not stick with it, but they have been getting out there and trying. And so it's very different having been in lockdown. And as well as bumping up your fitness, Charlie and I are going to be talking about some of the big trends that's been on social media the last couple days and how they bring them back to how it impacts on our life. And one of the ones that I certainly am keen to talk about is what's happened with the Patsy Palmer trend when the other day she ducked out of her interview with GMB because she was very disappointed, quite rightly, with the way they had captioned her and she set her boundaries and she said, this isn't good enough. And I think people need to learn from things like that about setting their boundaries and feeling that they're able to be represented in the right way. And in our personal lives, that often means setting boundaries with all sorts of people. It can be in our personal life and it can be in our work life. So that's one thing that Charlie and I will be discussing once he's back in the show. And the other. One of the other trends we're going to be talking about is how it's reported that Kim Kardashian, who she and Kanye are getting divorced. As reported, they haven't been talking to each other recently. And I don't know the truth of that. None of us can know the truth of that. They might be talking ten times a day. However, it brings that trend back to us. And when you go through a breakup, what are. When do you decide is a good time to talk to an ex? When do you actually. When do you actually do things like make time for them? What are the reasons. Is it. When you have children, you need to talk, obviously. But what about when you don't have children and do you need to keep an ex in your life? Is there a reason you're doing that? So, hi, can you hear me now? Sorry about that. That was stressful. Oh, no. But can you hear me now? I can hear you now. Fantastic. No, that really doesn't matter. I just talked about what you and I are going to be talking about. Come on, let's go. Okay, so talking about fitness now, a lot of people ask me about mental fitness because they've been the third lockdown they found really hard. And I just wondered with physical fitness, too, are you finding that people have been more and increasingly in touch with you because they're feeling this spring is coming and they've let their fitness go? Yeah. I'm getting a surge of people asking me now, what. What's the quick fixes to getting ready for a sort of summer body, if you like? And unfortunately, there's no quick fix, as we know. However, it's never too late to start. Yes. This is what I try and do within my work and my social media is that I'm trying to break down exercises to keep them very simple that anyone can do at any given time without equipment or people that are new to it or don't really have much understanding of it. So just keeping those movements very simple. And I think there's so much information out there, especially on the social medias, of all these different terms and workouts and people saying you should do this and do that. And I just try and keep it as simple as I can for the people that are coming through now and panicking. And it's crazy how this last few weeks I've had message after message saying I've let myself go in lockdown, I don't know what I'm going to do. And now, obviously summer's coming and I don't want to be embarrassed of how I look. Well, I'm not surprised because that you're getting a lot of messages because of all the videos that you do, like on Instagram, as you say, even I. I mean, I love fitness, but I just tend to run, you know, I don't tend to break things down. And when I look at those, I get a lot out of them because. Because I don't normally go to a gym. But you're doing things that I imagine as a personal trainer and a motivator you do in a gym. Can I just say, we've had Stephen Smith join. He says, how. How fabulous to have some Dr. Pam in your life. Thank you. For that great show. And as the saying they go in the Flintstones today is a gay old time. Love it. Hey Steven, that's cool. You might have met Stephen at different things. I love Stephen, he's a great guy. So yeah, so you break things down in, in a manageable way. But Charlie, some people will still find it hard to get that, that first motivation. So what do you say to people? You know, how can you get them just that first step? Well, usually you find that even by people looking and are who are curious about what exercise is, what good diet means, what good well being is in general, that in itself is the first step or start of this motivational attitude that you need. I always say to people that you can't just rely on motivation to come to you. You have to meet it in the middle. And it's really important that you don't just sit around wait by you having a look or thinking what does this mean? Or what can I do? That in itself is, is a start point. And then it's just making sure that you do things that are very digestible for you, that you can understand and not get overwhelmed. I think that's again, going back to what I said earlier is what's key for me and what I do and what I try and share with people is you don't need to overwhelm yourself. You just simply need to watch what you're eating. If you need to lose weight, you need to be in a calorie deficit. So basically you're not consuming your input isn't gonna outweigh the output, so to speak. And you need to move the body. So movement and making sure that you watch what you eat and weirdly just making those right choices like going to sleep at a good time, trying to get off of the devices like the phones and the laptops, going for those walks and actually focusing your mind on exactly what it is you want to be doing. So many times you go for a walk, but you just got your head down in a phone. Whereas I say try and use your walk as an escape. Yes, you need your phone, put it in the pocket and just focus on getting a good pace, a good stride, taking the atmosphere or the environment that you're in. And before you know it, you're getting a bit of a sweat on. And that in itself is burning calories and moving the body, which is great. I was going to say Beauty Ties has just joined saying such a great topic. We've gone through working out as much as possible, but then just stop and get A bit comfortable. It's trying to get that balance. Now before we address that, I think that's a really good point that Beauty Ties has raised is Helen says, hey, Pam, Charlie, hope you're both well and totally agrees with what you're saying about the balance. Now going back to the beauty. Thank you for joining the conversation, Helen, and Beauty Ties and Stephen, of course. So what Beauty Ties has said it's about. So they found the motivation to get a bit of fitness going and working out during lockdown, but then you kind of stop and get comfortable. Now, Charlie, from your experience, is that when people take on a bit too much, they're doing an hour a day and then it's like, oh, after a few weeks I just want to stop. So do you think it's maybe, as you say, digestible size, starting small and just building to a nice place where you don't give it up? I think that's always the best approach is especially when it comes to your fitness journey because you don't want it just to be a momentary thing you need to think about. Every day we have to do some essential things, whether that's brushing our teeth or general bits and pieces that we have to do in our life. And fitness almost needs to be of that mentality is that I've got to do something for my body today and instead of it looking like a daunting prospect, it's always better just to break it down and think, okay, I know that this is something that I've got to commit to long term. This is a long term relationship with myself and my body and I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself, but I know that I need to get my heart rate up. I need to give it a good minimum of 15 minutes and then I'll see how I feel after that first interval, so to speak. And then if that's it for that day, that's absolutely fine. But as time goes on, weirdly after I had to have a surgery last year and I had to have a good two months out of all exercise, remember? Yeah, that's right. And so I remember getting back into it, I thought, let's not worry about what I was before and let's not worry about massively in the future. Let's just think about what I can do now. And that was hiit workouts for 10, 15 minutes, going on my walks, going out on my bike, making sure that I was making nice choices with my food, eating well. And then bit by bit, now we're six, seven months later. I'm now averaging about a 40 minute workout which is broken down into three parts. It's quite simple, it's easy and it works. But it's gone from a 10 minute start off to where we are now, so. Exactly. I think that's a perfect example. And hello to David who's joined, says hi Charlie and Pam, great advice. That is great advice because there you are as a, you know, a motivator, a trainer and you had your own obstacle when you had that operation last summer to overcome and the fact that you from personal experience know about these hurdles people face, I think that's really helpful when, when it comes to your, your, your training session stuff, you understand and I feel it's really important like the, the point that beauty ties raised that, that people should not overdo it at the beginning because it's so easy to get ent and then lose that enthusiasm because you can't keep that pace up. So good advice from you. Now you've just mentioned cardio and a lot of people feel, well, if I take a walk, I'm not really getting cardio. So really does it have to be a kind of brisk walk then? You know, for people just starting on a fitness journey without complicating people, because I, I just always like to advocate movement, as we just said. So movement in any capacity is fantastic. Any form of exercise, getting out, getting the heart rate up and moving the body is a win win. If you want to break it down slightly into the intricate details. If you're going for a walk and it's a leisurely walk, all you're doing, you're getting an aerobic style exercise, which basically means the heart rate will be elevated. Yeah, we're going to be opening up the lungs, the heart and the blood and everything will be pumping around and that's great. And you will burn a steady state of calories, which is fantastic. If you want to start increasing the intensity and doing bursts of power walking or little jogs between say trees or benches or things like that, that's when it becomes that little bit more intense and you can start burning more calories. Yeah, if you're going for a run, you burn calories, but you tend to burn the calories that you're consuming for that day. So for example, if you were to have, you know, you're going to go for your run in the evening and you've eaten X amount during the day, that run will counteract what you've eaten in the day, which is great because it's a way of balancing out your calories. So it's a great form of aerobic exercise. However, that won't necessarily benefit you if you are trying to fat burn. The body breaks down energy in different ways. Yeah. And this is where it can get a little bit complicated, but it's how the fat is broken down through the liver and that's why hiit workouts are so popular. And what Joe Wicks does the body coach and what I do and other well known people is you want to spike that heart rate to the point where the body starts utilizing energy from other sources as opposed to just the calories that you're having in that day. If that makes sense. That does make sense. But what is a hip? You mean using your hips a lot? You mentioned workout. So it's the H I I T, high intensity. Yeah. The hiit workout. Sorry if you couldn't quite hear that. Yeah, hiit workouts, they're the, they're a very popular concept that works because you're resting very short amount of times compared to the level that you're working. Okay. Okay. So and also it makes sense. I know when I fell, when I was running like two summers ago and my right knee was crushed a bit, I had to do the same thing. I had to start with walking and slowly build back to running, which I've always run. I love running. It clears my head. Yeah. And it did take time and it was frustrating at times. But you know, again, like you said, I didn't push myself and I just stuck with it. And gradually the knee was recovering. It was all better. Beauty Thai says. Thank you. Great advice. Now, any other fitness tip before we hit the trends, the trending topic? Not really. I think, as I just say, just keep moving, don't put pressure on yourself, don't burn out. Make sure you have rest periods. Recently I hurt my back and that was because truthfully, I haven't been resting enough. Stress, how important. I can never stress enough. How important the warm up and a cool down is. Stretching the body is tip top priority. Even if you're not going to work out, if you can allocate yourself 10 minutes every day to just stretch, elongate those limbs, really focusing on opening up the body, breathing in through that diaphragm, big exhales. It's so important for the core, for the blood flow, for oxygen, for circulation. So that's just one thing. I now I've learned a lot more about that recently during my physiotherapy that I actually make sure that all my clients and my followers, they understand the importance of the stretch. Yeah, that's fantastic. And that my little tip is put on the radio when you're making your lunch and dance around the kitchen, because I'm always dancing and I don't like people to see my dancing, but I still love it. And I think that's another way to get things going. Now we've got some big trends that have been around. First off, Patsy Palmer ditching her GMB interview because they had captioned her in a way that she found hurtful and it angered her. And we're not going into that story. We're using that as a springboard. So I really admired the way she set her boundaries on that. We all have to learn to set boundaries in life. Now. I recently set boundaries on a person, which I'll go into. But first, I want to get your take on setting boundaries. And is it always a learning process? Isn't it? I think that as we go about our lives, we have to firstly understand ourselves, and especially if you're going on, say, with my work and even say Patsy and even your work. When you've got a bit of a media profile or you're going to be seen by a mass audience and you've been. You spend so much time nurturing your craft and you want to make sure that you're represented in the way that you want to be represented. Also, you need people to understand that there's certain lines or questions or things that people cannot cross. I think it's just very important that you're very clear with an understanding of who you are and how you want to be seen or interpreted as. And I think that that's a very important life lesson. I do, too. And with setting boundaries, a lot of people, I find I've worked with a lot of people who are what I call people pleasers, and they hate to set boundaries, like on a colleague at work who's always dumping some extra work on them, or. Or a family member who takes advantage of something. And so it is a process, almost like the fitness we've been talking through. It's like baby steps, learning set boundaries. So I would say for the first tip, learn to express your opinion. So when you're all chatting about a TV show, learn to say what you think about it, even if it goes against the popular opinion, even if you're the only person who doesn't watch Strictly Come Dancing. I've never watched Strictly Come Dancing, so, you know, and I'm not worried that people are going to dislike me for that. Yeah. So I think it is about that sort of learning to express your opinion and then learning to personalize it when someone oversteps the mark. And I'll share an experience. I don't know if you're going to share one too, but I had someone in my life who always messaging first thing in the morning. I get a message during the day, messages in the evening, messages, just messaging all the time. I message a lot. You know that you suffer with my messages. But this was really a lot. And I had to say to them, you know, I love hearing from you, but it is all the time. I know you're having a hard time in lockdown and it is all the time. And they got it. They really got it, thankfully. Because otherwise, you know, they're an acquaintance and like a best friend, but they're an acquaintance. And it would have been a potentially good friendship that went, you know, by the wayside with that. And it works. Sometimes when you set your boundaries like that, people just take offense and they just go, no, well, then I'm never going to message you again kind of thing. Yeah. But no, we've worked it out. And the messaging became, for me, more manageable. You know what my life is like. It's crazy busy. Your life is crazy busy. So. So that was a recent experience where I had to set boundaries. And I don't know if you've had any recent experiences or one in the past. Yeah, I have, actually. And again, it's just how you handle the situation. But I find that I've had some clients in the past that have joined me for personal training for maybe the wrong reason and because they fancy you. Yeah, truthfully, I had a couple of those joking, but I thought that might be the case. Yeah, it was quite a tricky one to handle and I got myself in some situations where I was trying to keep professional. But every time I kept taking that professional tone, there was either you know, that innuendos or inappropriate behavior, so to speak. And I had to call it where I actually had to say, I can't train you anymore because of this situation. But I had to make it very clear because I wasn't going to accept it. It wasn't right behavior. And that person needed to know. Yeah. Their own. For their own life. Anyway, so it just so happened our relationship didn't carry on, but I knew there was a time when I had to say, look, if you've just come here to see if you can ask me out or whatever it is that you were trying to plan on doing, or get close to me in that way, then you come to the wrong place. So that is such a bigger lesson about boundaries than, say, my experience, because that really was where someone was being almost manipulative of you to try and get something from you. So that's really good that you did that. And we all need to learn those now. David has said, never watch strict sleep. Why? It's just not my kind of show. I like the television dramas. I like to be scared and hide behind my fingertips. But no, that's a really good example. And again, your life didn't end even though that training thing ended. And I think a lot of people who find it hard to set boundaries feel, oh, my gosh, this is going to be horrible if I do this. I'm just going to keep putting up with the situation. And you shouldn't. It's uncomfortable. And you're either going to be uncomfortable if you don't speak up or you're going to be uncomfortable if you do sometimes speak up. You've just got to weigh it up. But really, you've got to always be true to yourself. Next. Yeah, next. Next. Trend is okay. Life before lockdown has been trending. A lot of people have been sharing how they've changed, what they miss, what they don't miss. It's a really big deal for people. I've been talking to a lot of people recently about they're worried about coming out of lockdown and that. Who do I see first? What do I do? You know, I haven't seen friends and whatever. So I wanted to know with you, what. What lessons have you learned? What was your life like before lockdown? That's changed for the better, for the worse. I've got some to share, I think, just for me, with lockdown, I. I've enjoyed personally some time to myself to figure out some stuff, and I'm getting this direction of what I want to do moving forward. The only thing that I'm slightly apprehensive about is I've. I've become quite lazy in my speech and I. I've become a little bit less engaging, I think. So when we chat, you sound just as engaging. Yeah. No, I don't know. I just feel that I'm. I think because we've all spent so many time. Well, I've spent so much time on the phone and having to use these different forms of technology to speak to people that I have. Especially in this last lockdown, I've kind of retreated back or retracted back a little bit. Yeah. So I've I've enjoyed time on my own in this past year to figure out stuff to give me up when we come out of this. But if anything, I think I'm looking forward to now putting myself back out there. Weirdly, I'm nervous about going into a group of people or a group of friends, but I feel like I need to do it now. I know. Yeah. For me, that is really profound, what you've just been talking about. For me, I think I've learned who really counts during lockdown. You know, the friends that I've really wanted to be in touch with, maybe the ones that actually kind of drifted. So kind of resettling who I want to prioritize my time with has been really important during lockdown. And I know that sounds weird because we do have more time on our own. And almost like you, I've kind of enjoyed, in a way, more time my own. I've done more painting. I've had more family time. But I think, like you, I've kind of almost enjoyed retreating a bit from certain situations. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I. What I long for the day where I don't feel like I have to wipe my. My groceries with sterile wipes. And I've been doing that since lockdown. You know, everything I buy wiping. I'm thinking, I can't wait for the day we're all vaccinated. I'm not going to worry about it so much. A year ago to this day, it all started really, didn't it? Yes, I know, I know. You know, the last big event I went to was my exhibition, which, of course you came to early March last year. Yeah, wasn't it? We didn't realize that was our final one. Yeah. Okay, We've just got time for one last trend. Quickly. Now. This is. Kim Kardashian and Kanye have been trending at various times over the last few weeks because of their marital difficulties and evidently filing for divorce and evidently not speaking to each other right now. We can't know the truth of that. But using that as a springboard, I've often worked with people who have kept exes in their lives for all sorts of reasons, where actually it became troublesome. And I kind of think, who do. Which exes do you really need to talk to? That's a question. Like, for you, what's your thoughts on this sort of issue? Personally, for me, with the ex's situation, because of my mentality and how I am as a person, I struggle with things that don't work out, and I take it very personally and it takes me a long while to get over it or even accept that I might not get over it. But obviously we try and move on. So I think it's how people are wired. Some people have got that real cut tie, get on with it. That didn't happen for a reason. It didn't work out for a reason. We're not meant to be. And on to the next. Yes. I, however, I'm a very different person and I analyze, I get upset, I'm very nostalgic and I think that's because obviously I have suffered with depression in the past. Yeah. There's certain traits in my behavior that can send me quite down and up and whatever. Yeah. So for me I had to, I feel it was good for me to enjoy some time away. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't want to. I didn't need that person in my life anymore. And I had to make peace with that. And now I'm way down the line with it. I can here and there, if I was to see that person or hear from them once in a blue moon, I can be polite, I can get on with it and that's just job done. But that initial stage and for a good long while and you know this, I had to cut ties. I really had to cut ties for. And it was the best thing to do. But obviously it was quite easy to do that because there was nothing holding us together. It wasn't like we had children together or joint properties or anything like that. It was just purely. I could walk away and just go and get on with it and seek the help I needed from other people. I think what you've said about how some people are wired to cut ties, to compartmentalize, that was in the past. I'm now in the present. I think you're very true about that. And some people have to process it in many ways to go leave an ex behind. And so there's a two opposite ends of the continuum and a lot of people fall in the middle. I would say I'm one of those people who fall in the middle. I don't speak to my first husband, there's no need to. My children are grown up and I wouldn't want to speak to him and that doesn't affect me in the slightest. But it was probably a bit of a process to get there. But that was, you know, two decades ago. So it's been absolutely, I mean much more profound talking to you today than I thought was going to be more light hearted. But thank you. I mean, I've been so. My mind's all over the place, so. But listen, it's always good to see you and I look forward to doing this again with you very soon. Okay, I have to. I can't wait, darling. Lots of love, darling. Take care and of course, thank you so much. So you can find Charlie on social media, arlieking85 for Twitter and on Instagram, arlieking85 and you really must follow his Instagram because he does a lot more on that for fitness and he really does break things down and in a fantastic way. Even I, who I don't go to gyms can follow what he's talking about. Running is just so easy. You just put one foot ahead of the other and that's how I managed to stay fit. But no, it's really worth following Charlie now. I'm delighted that my second guest is going to be here. He is Mr. Fabulous, also known as Jay Camaros. He's a singer, presenter, social media influencer and Prince's Trust ambassador. Best known for being a much loved TV judge on BBC One's hit award winning show All Together Now. He won a Pride of Britain award and as that isn't enough, he actively empowers people and promotes good mental health with his inspirational life story. He joins me now and let me tell you where you can find him. Hello darling. Let me just tell everybody where they can find you. Your website, MrFabulousOfficial.com on Twitteras and on Instagram at mrfabulous Official thank you so much for being here today. Thank you for having me, Dr. Pam, and looking fabulous as I would expect. Well, of course I dress for the occasion. I dress for you, Pam. Now let's chat about the importance of being a role model of diversity. How did you come into that role? Well, becoming a role model of diversity for me came from quite a young age because most people would read in the media what happened to me when I was young. I was a victim of a horrific homophobic attack which, which nearly killed me. And I was in hospital, in and out of hospital, you know, fighting for my life. I had to carry a colostomy bag for over a year and a half which got reversed. And if you thought that was, that wasn't enough. I was also coming to terms with coming out because I realized I was also gay and I needed an escape route. And so I left home at a very young age and went out to the big world wide world out there to, to find myself and luckily music has always been one of my biggest salvation. And through music, it's helped me develop, it's helped me become a better person, and it's also been my biggest salvation. And then I got introduced to Prince's Trust, and the Prince's Trust became my mentors, became my best friends. They are the ones that helped shape me becoming the role model that I am today. Oh, that's an incredible story. I know. I read about the, you know, in the past when I originally met you quite a few years ago at one of Anna Kennedy's events. Yeah, horrendous. And you are a survivor, and that's a great thing. Helen says, hey, Jay wants to say hello to you. Now, you are all about empowering people. Talk me through how you've done that with, like, different campaigns and things. Well, I use my platform and I use my profile to empower, encourage, and motivate others. And I do it through social media, through visual content, through editorial content, and also just sending a positive message. I think there is a lack of diversity role models in mainstream media, in social media. And I think especially for me, coming from an Asian background, I want to be a voice for many young people that might be in the same position as me who are probably coming out and want to pursue a creative career. And because of the community that they grow, that they've grown up in, it's frowned upon. So. So I use my platform, I use my social media to empower as many young people to be themselves, to not be afraid, and also to bring awareness to them, to make them understand that there is so much help out there. There is so many resources and people out there that are here to listen. When I was young, I didn't have that many resources to go to. Thank God I found the principle. But now I just want to stress how important it is that, you know, young people, there is so much out there for you guys to go and learn from and acquire new skills and be a better person. Absolutely. And I mean, maybe this is crossing a boundary asking you this and you can say so if it is. And Charlie King and I were just talking boundaries, but did your own family accept you, or has that been a difficult road? I mean, as I say that. You don't have to answer that. No, Pam, that has been a very difficult, very difficult time. It took over 13 years for my family to accept me. In the beginning, yes, they disowned me because they didn't understand. And it took many, many years for me. One thing I never did was even though I left home. I still stayed in contact as much as I possibly can. And I tried to educate them and I tried to make them understand that this is who I am. I am proud of who I am and I expect you as my family to love me. And yes, it took time, but after 13 years, they love me. They do understand it's still a very difficult topic to talk about, but I'm just going to accept that we've come a long way and we can talk, we can have conversations, we can laugh and we can be a fabric. Well, thank you for sharing that and I hope anybody listening who may be from an Asian background, let's say, who wants to come out. It took 13 years, but there was a journey and it is much better. Beauty Ties is in the conversation and said we absolutely love Jay's positivity and striving for a better world. We are now following him on Twitter. That's lovely. Thanks for that, Beauty Ties. So what about, you know, you've been involved in campaigns now. Is that through the Prince's Trust or other? It was through, I mean, obviously through the Prince's Trust. I went on to do some wonderful things. I was a choir director for many years. And then I decided to kind of rebrand myself as Mr. Fabulous. And it was the best decision that I made. And through that, through the help of agents and through the help of my own, my own perseverance, my own work and my own PM that I got campaigns with while I was the face for the gym group and giving a voice to quirky LGBTQIA people that, yes, we can still be fabulous and go to the gym and work out. It's not all about having all the, all the muscles and the six pack. We can still be body confident and we can still look like this fabulous and go to the gym and be fit and have a sense of well being about us. I love that. A couple more comments. David says, I love you, Jay. Helen says, very positive. Love that. So, yeah, people are feeling the positivity now. Can I just say, Pam, that thank you to all the people that are sending the comments because it's so important for us all to have a support network. It's all, it's important for us to have a circle of people that we can go to. You know, you asked me earlier on about if you were intruding about asking a question. I want to share something with you. Sometimes people don't realize that even us strong people, the ones that are giving out positivity, giving out strength, we too have our days where we don't feel good, we have our days where we're hoping that somebody will pick up their phone and ask, are you okay? I'm so fortunate that I have a group of friends that do that, that call me up because they know even as fabulous as I am, I do need that reassurance sometimes as well, because I do have times where I feel vulnerable. Exactly. Everyone does. And I think on social media, often you only get a slice of life that looks perfect. You know, people don't, you know, don't always tweet about the bad days they're having. I posted on Monday about how my hair had gone orange, which I did get a treatment, thankfully, from a friend today, a tip to bring down some of the orangeness. And I can't wait to do the treatment again tomorrow. But, you know, I was like, not only have I had the vaccine, I feel really sick, but then I went and dyed my hair orange, you know, so. But just, you know, it's just kind of, you know, just little silly things like that can really kind of, you know, think. And then a girlfriend messages, and it's all good again because you think, yeah, you know, there's other things in the world, you know. Now you also are recording new music, so. So tell me about that, because I know you've. You've conducted the choir before. Is this to do with the choir or something else? This is actually not to do with the choir. After many years of running and directing gospel choirs, I decided that I wanted to do something for me and myself, and I decided. And hence, for the last few years, I've been doing my own solo gigs. And just before the lockdown, I did. I did actually my second. Second show at the Pizza Extras Live in Holborn. And a lot of people kept saying to me, jay, I think it's about. It's about time that you record a single. And I was introduced by my agent, Jane, to a wonderful composer and multi instrumentalist called Ian Carnegie. And together we are working on, let's just say it's going to be a phenomenal anthem to come out of lockdown to. Oh, that would be brilliant. We all need that. Now, does it have any of the gospel choir sound to it or is it going to be pop or what? It's going to have a mix of everything. I'm definitely going to bring in the gospel because that's where my roots are from. And so I have to have, you know, bringing few little harmonies and voices, but there is a pop element. And, you know, I just want the song to be a celebration of life, you know, because we've been. We've been in lockdown and, you know, especially to all my friends in the hospitality and the performance industry and the music industry, we've suffered incredibly and not being able to sing and perform. I mean, thank God for social media. We've been live streaming it. Like these are platforms that we really need to, you know, hold on to really tight and. But, you know, it's. It's a song. It's a song dedicated to all my fellow, you know, musicians, singers, performers, people in hospitality that. You know what, There is a light at the end of the tunnel and we are going to make it. I cannot wait for that. And I really hope you do another Pizza Express show. I've been to some of the various Pizza Express shows over the years and it's always done really well and that would be fantastic. I will definitely be coming along if you do another show once we're all in the review pan. I would definitely do that. You have to let me know now. We don't have much time left, but tell me what else, with any other projects you might have in the pipeline or just how you're staying motivated in this. In this. As we come towards the end of this recent lockdown, before I share some good news, you asked a question about how I keep myself motivated and I want to share this mantra with everybody that I always carry with me and I've always have for a very, very long time. And that is motivation brings conviction and conviction brings movement in life. In life, we have to motivate ourselves to bring about that conviction and that conviction will help allow us to move forward. Exactly. Love it. And that is a mantra that I've used and it's allowed me to do some wonderful things. And only recently I've just filmed a wonderful project with my partner David, for Lad Bible. Yes. So I previously worked with them on a fitness project which had, you know, millions of views and luckily I was asked again to do a new project for them and. And it will be coming out at the end of the month. I can't give away too much, but let's just say there's a lot of. It's going to be camp, it's going to be funny and. And it involves myself and my partner. Oh, that's great. Because I always think of the Lad Bible. I used to write some sex bits and bobs for them and, and things like that. And I always kind of think of it as quite laddy, but they have been kind of metamorphosizing into something bigger and better, I think. So I look forward to seeing that. And let me just give people where they can find you again. Your website, mrfabulousofficial.com on Twitter it's @jcameraz. And on Instagram it's Mr. Fabulous official. Thank you so much for joining me and I'm so looking forward to those projects. And thank you for motivating me too. My pleasure, my lovely. Thank you. And thank you to everybody that joined us. Okay, bye. Bye, darling. Okay, now, it's been wonderful talking to both Charlie and Jay. Now I have another friend joining me today. I'm very lucky. Now you'll know Jo Hemmings, who's a behavioral psychologist from tons of television shows and on social media. You can find her at tvpsychologist and her website is joe hemings.co.uk and she should be joining me now. And we are going to be talking about your sex lives because there is. Hello, darling. Hello. Can you hear me okay? I can hear you fine, thank you. Can also still see my terrible fringe. So I'm sexiest look ever, darling. Your friend is nowhere nearly as bad as my orange hair, which thankfully, I was telling you before the show, a girlfriend gave me a tip and I quick tried it this morning and it has helped and I'm gonna do it again tomorrow. You will never have that prom because you won't try and dye your hair baby blonde, which is where this all went wrong. Do you think she's got any tips for sort of pulling my fringe and growing it out a little bit faster? I'll ask her. Thank you. Now, I wanted you to talk about with, you know, we're about talking tips with people's sex lives because a couple of surveys have come out since January in the middle of this, this recent lockdown, with a lot of couples saying we might have developed a better understanding and a better foundation for our relationship, but our sex lives have gone down the Swanee, basically. So first thing I want to ask you is just how fragile is that sexual desire between people? Yeah, it's a really interesting one, isn't it? So there's been studies on that, studies on the fact we thought there was going to be a baby boom of Corona babies. That didn't happen. In fact, the birth rate dropped. I think the problem with. I think people thought we were gonna have a sex fest during lockdown. There we were, you know, with our significant other. If you're in a partnership, obviously no sex for the singles, but. And Therefore, you'd be spending a lot of your time, spare time, having sex together. Now, of course, this didn't happen. What? Because part of a libido and a sex drive, as you know, is that sense of anticipation of kind of having not seen each other for a while. So you get a little bit excited when you do. And if it's on tap, literally 247 kind of doesn't have that, you know, that charm or that excitement or that, you know, sais quoi, you know, you just kind of forget out the habit of doing it because you are just together all the time and you get on each other's nerves. We didn't. Nobody signed up, really, or very few for a 247 relationship with their partner. There have been a lucky few where the reverse is true, where, yeah, they've spent loads of time together. Relationship strengths under. No doubt, they've been very active in the bedroom and outside of it. But generally speaking, yeah, it's had a bit of an impact on people's desire levels. That is so true. Because I know, you know, working as we both do, you know, as psychologists and coaches, so often the past in a. In a normal life, you know, people say, oh, is it worth, like, scheduling a date night? I always say, yeah, because, you know, you're both working long hours and one of you may be with the children, but the others out, you know, and schedule that Saturday evening together. But now, as you say, it's been this 247 situation, so that's gone out the window. But I still. I was recently talking to someone that I've been coaching by Skype, obviously not face to face. And I was just saying, what about the flirting? Have you guys totally stopped flirting? And she was saying, yes, how can I restart it? So let's talk flirt tips. Yeah. Okay. So I think the flirting has stopped as well. So I think that again, it's to do with so much time together. So I think it's now time to sort of almost renew. A bit of sexy time between you doesn't necessarily mean having sex, but it does mean being a bit spontaneous again. So if you fancy a snog on the stairs or anything else, you know, go for it. Don't feel you're. You're so out of the habit. You can't do that spontaneously. Yes. We can't have date nights outside the house, but. Or outside the home, but we can do things candlelight. You can fling a blanket on the floor and have an indoor picnic with some finger food. I mean, even just eating at A table, lots of people. Again, I've coached people who've got into the habit of TV dinners every night, which means they're looking at a screen and not each other. So having dinner, as you say, by candlelight, the table where you are forced to look at each other opposite, not next to each other. You know, you can feel some of that arousal, I suspect, and that bit of flirtation coming back or play a game. I mean, one of the other things I think helps is a bit of sensory deprivation because, yes, we've forgotten how to hug. We don't have all this tactile stuff anymore. So, you know, blindfold your partner with anything, a scarf or whatever it may be, and use your face masks. All right. You've got all these things in your home. Loads of them. Yes, that's right. A face mask. And even just, you know, using a feather or the end of a face mask or your fingertips to sort of get, you know, once you're deprived of one sense of. Of your sight, sexually, your touch, other senses come back to you at a higher level. So that's quite a nice way of learning, again, how to, you know, to feel aroused. Really? Yeah. And it's sort of, you know, spontaneity is hard when. When you're trying to maybe rekindle the flirting. And you're right, you know, passing each other on the stairs and kind of say, hey, can I have a kiss? Or whatever. That's great. But, you know, I used to always tell clients, pre lockdown, put things in your diary, like today, surprise them with their favorite chocolate bar. Or this time, surprise them by having rented or bought the DVD or the first film you saw together. Just trying to build, you know, so you kind of diarize your spontaneity so it looks like you're being spontaneous. That's right, actually. I mean, you're right about your first movie together. Even going back through old photos, memorabilia, when you first dated, you know, and. And just, you know, that attraction that was there, you know, what did that feel like? Talk about it a bit. I mean, a lot of people are exhausted. They've had. They've been at home all the time. They've been homeschooling. You know, the kids have been around, you know, the opportunities to be fair for a lot of people haven't been there. So I would say, as much as being spontaneous as you say, be opportunistic. I mean, if the kids are out the way or asleep, you know, that's your time to say, okay, we're gonna get on With a bit of. Not just flake on the sofa and say, you know, we're exhausted. That's your time to perhaps do a bit of planning. And I know there's been, you know, a lot of bad stuff about porn trending recently, but, you know, adults who agree on the type of porn they like, sometimes saying to each other something like, hey, should we watch a little bit of something a bit naughty? That can sometimes, I find, works very well for couples who, you know, both respectfully choose something they both agree on. Exactly, Exactly. And also fantasy chat. Sometimes when you're just casual on the sofa together and your arm around your partner, maybe whisper something like, oh, God, you know, I'd love to get you on a beach and have you under the blazing hot sun, or just. Just kind of. You're getting very excitable. Not something you might be thinking about, is it? I mean. Yeah, and that. That is true. You know, there's two types of porn, really. There's some pretty nasty, unpleasant porn out there that you maybe don't want to watch, but even a kind of sexy movie, it doesn't even have to be porn, but something that's got a bit of, you know, steamy seams in it. The other thing, I think, is to dress up. Now, we've been all. And I'm still sitting around in loungewear and, you know, we haven't dressed up. I don't put makeup on unless I'm gonna, you know, be talking to you on a virtual call or a client or do TV or doing tv, Otherwise, why would I put it on? So I'm lumbering around. I mean, sometimes, you know, we don't feel very sexy when we're stuck in our most comfortable clothes. So again, I would say make an effort, Put a bit of makeup on. Do whatever you can with your hair. I know we're struggling with ours. We can't go anywhere to have it cut. But, you know, get some sexy underwear on, put a dress on, put heels on. I mean, God, I'd love to get a pair of heels on again, you know, so make yourself feel special. It's. It's difficult to feel sexy when you're walking around in your gym jams. That special underwear that you've been saving until after lockdown, don't save it any longer. Just get it on tonight. It's coming off anyway, so you might as well put it on during lockdown, so. Absolutely right. Actually, back to the fantasy chat. I've just remembered one time when you and I were doing radio together, and we were talking fantasies. And you. Do you remember what fantasy you told me on air? The one that I want, the one that I like. Oh, hell yeah. If I do, what? The one about the Argentinian polo player. The Argentinian polo player I never met. Still my fantasy of him and still unfulfilled, I might tell you. Yeah. So my fantasy, as I did once tell you, I feel myself flushing slightly at the thought, is an art. It's someone who's kind of looks like they've just come off, you know, a horse on a polo pitch, but they're kind of. They're. They're wearing their kind of chaps or whatever, joggers, a pair of, like, kind of fairly muddy boots, you know, bit got a riding crop in their hands. Bit sweaty, but kind of looking hot. Yeah, My personal fantasy. I'm sure many listeners will have their own versions of this. I wonder if there's any Argentinians listening who happen to play polo. Yes. Well, I'm on @TVPsychologists on Twitter if you'd like to get in touch. But it is fun, I think, even if people. Sometimes people get a little bit shy talking about those things. So if they've moved from. They're flirting a bit and they're being a bit romantic and then, you know, kind of fantasy chat about each other. You know, putting yourself square and center. I'm not saying, say to your partner, hey, you know, I want, you know, I don't know who's. Can't say Brad Pitt anymore after what he's been trending for. Who do we say, oh, Charlie Hunnam, you know, you know, you can't say to your partner, oh, I really want to Charlie Hunnam in bed with us. You have to kind of make it. You have to be sensitive and make. Unless they're into, you know, fantasizing about someone else, you kind of have to make it around and about each other. So if you had a partner, you could say, I imagine you to be an eel. Argentinian. You can do it tactically because a lot of people get very worried about offending the person they love by talking about fantasy, of course, because sometimes. And you have to know the person that you love, and sometimes if they're going to react poorly in the sense of, am I not good enough? Then you're fantasizing about somebody else. You know, pick your moments wisely and how you say it. But even things like telling your partner they smell good, you know, that is a starter to something. A very simple thing. Just going up and Smelling their neck and saying, oh my God, you smell good, you know, is it's just a little starter, like an amused boost, you know, you have before a meal, just a taster, a canape of suggestivity I think will get a lot of people back on track because I think so much of it is not a lack of desire, it's just poor habits and putting it on the back burner. We've had a lot to worry about. Uncertainty doesn't help, you know, a big that we're awash with cortisol and adrenaline because we're uncertain and fearful. These are not conducive to libido. So I don't think anyone should feel bad that they haven't felt aroused or desirable or want their partners. But we're coming into a better place now. Time wise. It's all looking quite positive. You know, this is the moment for us to get out of those bad habits and begin to get into some good, restart the new ones. And like I was talking to Charlie King, my first guest, about fitness habits. It is kind of making it part of your habit and routine to, to get those compliments back. Yeah. As you say, tell your partner they smell nice. You know, it goes, you know, and we're not saying one sex should be telling the other sex. You know, this is, you know, absolutely not. Yeah. Doing these things. And, and the one last thing I'd like to run past you because we, we have just a little time left is I think a lot of people don't realize that say they've been say drinking a lot during lockdown and we to need know there have been reports in the press about excess alcohol intake during lockdown because people self medicating a lot. That is one thing. You know, one, two glasses of wine or something fizzy might get you guys in the mood. Yeah. Drinking too much is an absolute libido killer because it does depress your whole nervous system. So I think people have to be aware of those kind of habits too, don't they? I think they do. I mean, yes, it is. You know, as you say, alcohol is a depressant but you know, in reasonable moderate quantities it's, you know, you get quite excited but it's too much of it and it, it makes you kind of feel miserable because you hangover the next day you may have erectile problems because of drinking too much. I mean it's, I'm not saying join the temperance society, but definitely for your own health. Angela, be though to get out of the habit, as you say, of self medicating with perhaps a little bit too much alcohol on too regular basis. We should be trying to get out of that. We know you mentioned, you know, erectile dysfunction. Wow. Smoking is a real hammer onto that, you know, it hammers down your erection. So if you've been a regular smoker for a long time, it will cause problems. But it's been fantastic having you again, Joe. I hope you'll come back and do the psych slot, as we call the third slot on the show. I'd love to. And you so much I'll be messing you after show. I'm sure about something. Okay. All right, darling, good to talk to you. Thank you. You can find Joe. Yeah, bye, darling. You can find Joe at tvpsychologists on Twitter and joehemings.co.uk is her website. I want to thank you for joining me today. I hope you've got some tips there from my, my three guests for just getting motivated, getting more out of your life. And I look forward to being back with you in a fortnight where again we'll be talking about trends, motivation, well being, mental health, all those important things. So please do look after yourself in the meantime. And tomorrow the show will be repeated on both the women's and the men's stations. Thank you for joining me.