Your Mind Matters With Maria Kempinska – Izzy Bendall & Nick Longden, Teenage Minds

Are you feeling anxious? Online therapy 24. 7 is here to help. We offer confidential support from the comfort of your own sofa. Our highly qualified therapists are experienced in a full range of daily challenges. You'll be in safe and trusted hands. Don't suffer alone. Change your life by calling us on 020-7-553-5080 and check out our website onlinetherapy247.com the Teenage Mind is an explosion of hormones where as an example, the chemical messenger dopamine increases and this improves the connection between the limbic portion of the brain, that is the emotional brain, and the logical part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. Testosterone levels and estrogen levels increase, which equally have their physical impact as we know it said that this disproportionate rate of growth between the brain areas and the physical growth increase. Risky behavior. Teenagers also start to develop computational and decision making skills like that of an adult. It is the duality of competence from emotional to logical that is confusing for both the adolescent, for the parent and often for society. So against a background of the internal chaos, the clashing of emotions, external social disturb, disruption and the instinct to survive, is it possible for a teenager to make long term life and career decisions? Can they correctly identify their talents and act on them? I'm Dr. Maria Kompinska. I'm a practicing psychotherapist and was awarded an MBE for my work in business in the field of entertainment. To join the discussion today, I'm absolutely delighted to welcome my two guests, Izzy Bendel and Nick Longdon. Can I start with you, Izzy? Welcome and please tell everyone about yourself. Okay, I'm izzy and I'm 16 years old. I go to Cranley School in Surrey and I really like, you know, beauty and makeup and you know like I have like a fascination, sorry, with helping other people. Yeah. And is this a day school? Do you go in every day or do you stay there, Izzy? Oh, it's a boarding school. It's a boarding school, yeah. So do you come home at weekends? Yeah, it's weekly boarding. Excellent. And can you give us a bit more of your background? I understand you came from Australia a while ago. So you've had to move continents? Oh yeah, I basically When I was 15, my mum's work relocated to England, which she's already English, so we had like the English passports and everything and you know, we used to go to England all the time and everything and I basically had to start again. So I had to start my whole life again, which was quite scary. Moving around the world quite literally on the other side where the climates are definitely different, it's not so sunny and warm. So not only have you had to re acclimatize through the weather, but you've had to make new friends, you've had to get used to different ways of thinking, I presume, and just new schools. So that's quite a big change for you. Definitely. Very good. So you've had quite a lot to cope with and you're 16 and I must say you're amazing. But Nick, can we now, can I introduce you now, Nick? Yes. I'm definitely not 16, I'm sort of mid to late 50s and my teenage years were reasonably dominated by my mum getting ill just at the beginning of them and dying at the end of my teenage years. So I was a carer for most of that time, which isn't as sacrificial as it sounds, obviously affected things greatly and it affected what I generally did with my life until I understood it better, which ended up in going traveling for six months and coming back 19 years later. So I think it took me off track as to what I was going to do because it does impact your life in the sense that it changes your thinking and you don't quite have the same viewpoint as other people who don't go through it. So, yeah, it changed my opinion on things. I also helped start a charity called Young Carers, which is now a big charity later on. So that. That was the main dominance of my teenage years, I find. So just to give you a little bit of my background as well, why I've chosen this subject and why I'm so delighted that Izzy, you're joining us as a 16 year old and Nick, that the impact of your teenage years made such a big difference to your world and also creating a charity off the back of it, when I was a teenager, I used to create shows for charity, actually at school we all had to. I went to a convent grammar school and during Lent we all had to raise money for charity and I put on shows. So I was producer, director, performer, you know, bottle washer, you name it, stage sweeper and all the girls joined in and I did regularly sort of our version, my version of Top of the Pops and we charged people to come in. I absolutely loved entertainment, but. But later on my father said, you cannot go into entertainment. And in those days, my dad used to have a great influence. He was Polish, Polish refugees. And their thing was, as a lot of refugees are, be educated in a formal institution. So lawyer, doctor, but for us, it was a secretary or a nurse. Women were still not seen to be doctors and lawyers in the same way they are today. Thankfully, they are seen differently. So that was one of the parts of my life I wanted to explore as a teenager. And the other part was I was a volunteer and helped in Leavesden Mental Asylum, and that was one of the largest Victorian asylums in the uk. And I spent a long time actually helping in various wards. Some of them were less. The people were less disturbed than others. But I used to make beds with. I remember a blind woman who used to show me which beds weren't made, which was amazing, and help feed some of the patients there who couldn't hold a spoon and just entertain others and clean up generally. But both these areas of my life that I wanted to get into, my father was against. He said he wouldn't sign a form when I wanted to go into psychiatric nursing. So in my life, at the end of my life, as you can tell, I'm both in the world of the mind, you know, as a psychotherapist. And that's why I said, I've got an MBA for the field of entertainment in business, because somehow I felt that there is this thing that runs through us that sort of knows what we're capable of. So if we can start with you, Izzy, let me just ask you, because this is. The topic today, is teenage minds. And I know how talented you are, Izzy. So teenage minds, is it delusion or is it a direction? What's your thoughts? I think, like, when you're a teenager, you're honestly just trying to, like, find who you are. And it's quite, like, difficult because, like, there's, like, you know, stress about, you know, what you're gonna do after school, which is coming my way at the moment, and you're trying to, like, you know, figure out what kind of person you want to be. And I think it's quite hard to direct yourself into making good choices as a teenager as well, because I think, you know, you're just, you know, you're trying to work out what's right and wrong and what you want in life. And so I kind of think a lot of people force you to be something that you're not, and they try and direct you in a way that they want to put you in, which might not be the best way for you, which in a way might make your mind a bit more delusional because you're acting as something as you're not. Actually, interestingly, before you speak, sorry, Nick, just To say that there is something in psychotherapy or in psychology called the false self or the Persona, the Greek version of the Persona, the mask. Where we do adapt to society, we wear a mask that pleases society on one hand, possibly our parents, possibly our school, possibly our friends. And then which, as you say, it pushes you, the real you back. And until some people just can't find themselves. What do you think, Nick? Yes, I think it's. I think it's a. I mean, it's a fascinating and fun stage, but it's also. It's very tricky. I mean, I had the pleasure of meeting Izzy before Christmas and, I mean, she's a very much a free spirit. And I think this, in these times now, it's harder and harder to be a free spirit. Because the strange thing is that when I was growing up, you didn't know what was going on everywhere in the world. You didn't even have a mobile phone. You weren't. There weren't cameras on the streets. You were free and, you know, nobody knew what you were doing. You could go off and you had real freedom. Now you know what's going on, but everybody knows what you're doing. So I think it does make it harder now because there are more opinions and more things to follow, and I think that is more difficult now than it maybe was when I was growing up. My influences were all from the local community and the situation at home, which unfortunately was illness and everything else. It wasn't from the outside world as much. And what happens to you, Izzy? Where do you see most of your influence? Do you talk about sort of your dreams and your hopes and your talents to your friends at school? Well, like, I think most of our influence comes from social media, so we're all forced, like, especially girls. I'm not sure about boys, but I think boys have a challenge in it. And it's not spoken about as much where, like, you're forced to have this idea of beau and you're kind of trying to fit into this, you know, stereotype of what's beautiful, which is really. It's almost impossible because everyone's beautiful by themselves. And social media really doesn't help. You know, when you see, like a gorgeous model walking by, you don't realize the Photoshop and what's natural and what's not. And I think, like, I think even with boys, we're like, when you look at those hot movie stars that all the girls are flaunting over, like Zac Efron. Yeah. Try to become that. When it's not really them. And like, I just think we're all kind of trying to be something we're not and there's like this, the pressure put on especially, sorry, especially teenagers where it's like, you know, you know, you're trying to like be this model when you don't have to be, you know, body is quite concerning at our age with a lot of people, like a lot of people I know, especially girls who have, you know, eating disorders but like close friends, my brother as well, have also had, you know, body image issues. And do you think this makes teenagers turn towards self harm and you know, sort of eating less but, you know, various disorders? Do you think it's the social media that does that or do you think the schools and the girls within this school can impact one or another as well? I think girls and boys probably can impact each other because, you know, like everyone looks at someone and goes, oh, I wish I could look like that or I wish I had their nose or I wish I had their body. And you know, you know, we all envy one another and I think that probably doesn't help. But I do think social media, like, you know, when you look at those Victoria's Secret models with their like flat stomachs and they're like tiny waist, you kind of wish you were that. So I think it probably does encourage disorders to occur and mental health like issues to probably start happening because you're just, you're so keen to become that, you know, that image of being perfect in society which really plays with your mental health. Yeah. When I was growing up in a girls school, we had this similar thing but you didn't have the, as you say, the social media to exacerbate everything. It wasn't so social media driven and you didn't connect with girls outside so much outside your school hours. So you didn't have that constant reminder of how you should look, what clothes you should wear, the most beautiful in the world. And as you say, I think the biggest crime is that they alter the way they look for social media purposes. What influenced you? Did you ever worry about that, Nick, when you were growing up as a young male? No, not at that time. But again, I think that was simply because I grew, I was very lucky. I grew up in a loving household. You know, my mum was great, my dad was great, but illness took over and so there wasn't as much thought on what you were going to do. It was sort of getting through each day, week, month, year really. And when you don't focus on yourself, I mean Today is very self focused and like he said, people change their shape and everything because it's about money. You know, everybody wants to earn money through social media and everything. That wasn't an option. I was going to be an architect but ended up caring for my mum instead of going to university, which is a good thing because I would have been a terrible architect. So it worked. I think it works out. I don't think I had the vision. This is why I went traveling. I think I concentrated on home life so much that when my mum died I was just totally lost. I didn't know where to go because she was the focus of it. So that's why I went traveling and just didn't come back for nearly 20 years. And did you have support from your school? Did you have the mentoring? No. You didn't? No, at that time you didn't. My dad was great but he couldn't cope. So, yeah, we just. You just had to get on with it. There isn't. There wasn't the support mechanisms there are now and there wasn't the help there is now. So you just have to get done. I think the one thing it sort of took me a long time to understand was that I would always come home not feeling well or with a headache, walk into my mum, who was 20 times worse, and. And never say that I had a headache. And I carried that with me a lot of my life, which is why I absorb a lot of things and don' and don't accept help easily. People say that I give readily, but I take very difficulty in a difficult way. So I think that's again forged from the teenage years. So I think it's what happens in those years around that forms you. But I do think you come back to be yourself. I think you do have your true self that you follow. Yeah. And that is actually the term that they actually use, the full self or the true self. All right, Izzy, do you think that. And Nick, do you think that teenagers are giving too much freedom? They know too much. They are, you know, sort of given. I don't mean too much freedom in terms of being allowed to do everything, but to some extent that's true. But do you think they're given too much information? The world is too open. Via not only social media, but on the Internet you can get news from all around the world and at this moment you are bombarded with news. Do you think it's difficult to know what's true, what's false, what's relevant to you? Do you think it shouldn't be given to you quite so much. I think it's good being a teenager knowing what's happening in the world, especially with what's happening in China with Muslims and like, the camps as well as, like, what's happening with COVID because I think it makes you more aware of like, what's happening. And I think you become more knowledgeable what's happening and you know, you're learning the history of what's going to happen in 20 years. You know what I mean? I don't think in that sense it's too much, but I do think media does lie to an extent because it is a biased opinion. You're only hearing what they want you to hear, of course, but most of the time the media, especially when you look at the news, it's true. Like, they can't really, like, I think most people can't really lie. But, you know, I think it's good that we know, you know, what's happening because, like, adults expect, like teenagers, you know, to be a bit more adulty. And you know, you have to, when your parents, friends are coming around, you join into adult conversations. You need to be made aware of what's happening so you can join in as well as, like, keep up with the intelligence. So coming back to this point, as you were saying about the Muslims being murdered in concentration camps in China, for example, how do you find that out, Izzy? How do you recognize what is false and what is true? I think when it's true, there's multiple sources from different. So different sources reporting on the same thing. And I think it's, you know, you're going to believe it more the more you see it. And it's not all just the same photo, so, you know, it's not botched. And I was, I was actually on Instagram when I saw this whole thread and it was like there was interviews from people that have actually been in the camp. And, you know, it's heartbreaking hearing what's happening because it's almost like the genocide of the Holocaust is repeating itself or other genocides like in Burma or like Turkey or Armenia that have happened in the past. And it's, you know, it's horrible that it's happening again. You know, it plays with your emotion reading it, because it is, it's horrible. You know, you wouldn't wish that on anyone, no matter who they are. You just hopefully that they, you know, you just hope everyone accepts everyone. But unfortunately, you know, that's not what happens. But, you know, I, I don't think we're given, like, I think, you know, it's good that teenagers are given the opportunity to know about it so they're made more aware and know how to respond to more, you know, people. Nerd response. It's so interesting that you say the Instagram thread gave you information. For example, when I was growing up, my parents were prisoners of war in Siberia under the Russians, but also some of my family were murdered in Auschwitz. And I remember teachers saying, I didn't know you were Jewish. And I said, no, I wasn't Jewish. It's not only the Jews. And it's tragic. And it was just horrendous. Some of the events that were happening there, the murders that were happening, but they just didn't have that view of history. What about you, Nick? Did you have an interest in history or was it, you know, related to school? I had somewhat. I had somewhat. I wasn't the best student, I must admit, but I. Yeah, I had a lot of learning. I mean, the thing is, the learning opportunities were obviously less. I mean, the Internet, social media, it's all a wonderful thing, and every progression is a wonderful thing. But people have to understand it's just an extension of human beings because it's only a vehicle. It's. It's like a car. It depends whether you drive it well or drive it badly. So some of the Internet is wonderful, some of it's terrible, but the opportunity it gives of knowledge and of being able to see the world and be in the world, there's nothing bad about that. It's wonderful. My. You know, when I was growing up, it was very much more restricted. You had only a number of television channels and a certain amount of news. And the irony is there's a joy in that and a badness in that. You don't know as much, but life was very simple and far less interfered with it. And I think a lot of mental health issues now and the rise in it is simply because there's so much more put on teenagers now. We just had what was around us and we had fun. We enjoyed it when we can. And yes, some of it was bad, like the illnesses and everything else, but a lot of it was very good with Izzy and the teenagers. Now there is. Everybody knows everything about everybody or can find out everything about everybody. There's no anonymity, there's no secrecy. Everywhere you go, there's cameras, there's. Everybody's watching. So, as I said, there is wonderful things about it. And it's inevitably going to grow and grow and grow. But There is a simplicity and a niceness in not having it as well. Izzy, does it worry you? Does it worry you that you are being watched at everything that you do? For example, in business, I know that when people are employed, employers go on prospective employees Facebook posts to see what they're like. Does that bother you? You know, like, I just think you have to be smart on social media. I just, like, I think you should have a private account, like, if you want the private account. But, you know, I just think if you've got a public account, you need to probably be a bit more cautious with what you post because one post could, you know, could impact if you have a job or not, you know, depending on what it is. Like, it's not a good look. If you post something semi nude on Instagram when you've got public account, you know, it's not going to look good when, you know you're trying to get a job and especially like an accounting firm or something like that, like, it always come back to bite you. And my mum always told me when I was younger, you know, if you're going to post something, act like it's on the front page of a newspaper. Yeah, that's a very good point. Yeah. Like, aware, like, would I want this? Would I want my headmaster seeing this? Like, Cranly with watching us, Cranley showed us a really good Netflix documentary called the Social Dilemma. And like, Cranley's really good about mental health because we had to do house videos because of COVID so you couldn't do house plays. And it was all on mental health and going to the Charlie Waller foundation and, you know, they were really ways raising awareness to how people could be feeling. And, you know, my house mistress, she's amazing. She deals with 74 girls. No one knows how. She has a strong men, like, you know, mind after that with two babies, it's nuts. But, like, when we watch the Social Dilemma, it's scary that, like, big social media platforms like, you know, Instagram or Facebook are, like, watching you and trying to collect your data for advertising. But then, like I said before, you've just got to be careful because anything can be traced. And how much direction do you think adults have to have in young people's lives? So you're talking about your housemistress, Izzy and your mum directing you. What about kids who haven't got that? I think personally, it's almost common sense if you've got social media, you should always, you know, take it a bit more cautiously because, like, especially if you've got, like, a public account because you never know who's looking. And, you know, it could raise, you know, more people into, like, you know, pedophiles looking at younger kids. And it's just. It's not nice. And I think you've also, like, with common sense, you've got to be more, you know, cautious of that, like, you know, but I think kids who don't have, like, the same parents or support that I was very fortunate to have and still have surrounding me, I think, you know, like, I don't feel sorry for you, but, like, I do feel sorry for you, but, like, I also kind of think you've got to be like, you've just got to have common sense. What about, sorry if you don't have common sense? You know, you're just not gonna. You're just not gonna get the life you really want. And Nick, how you, you know, we talked about your mother being ill and your father being obviously distracted by your. His wife's illness, your mother's illness. Who did you turn to for direction or did you not turn? Did you have a family member or school or newspapers, television? How did you get the social direction that you needed? I didn't really. I mean, I still did for my mum. She's incredible. But. But it was very difficult. So, yes, circumstance, I think I learned to stand on my. By myself. By the age of 11, I had three jobs and you just had to get on with it. So. Yeah, I mean, there's always. There's always the difference between if you learn it yourself, you know it, or if you told it, you know, whether you experience it properly. I just had to really gather it myself. It's only later on afterwards that I realized a lot of my behavior going through my life means I didn't get it quite right when I was a teenager. I didn't understand it right, you know, and you grant. What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that? I never understood. You only learn. You learn a lot. Especially in my time, you learn a lot from the family. Now, if the family's dysfunctional, not in a personal way, I'd say they were fantastic, but dysfunctional in the way that it was all about the illness and caring and keeping somebody alive. Basically, you don't learn what a true family unit is. You don't necessarily learn about relationships like you should learn about them. You don't learn that you can be selfish because you can't. So there's lots of things you come out that you think are normal and that everybody's the same as you, but. But you're really not. So they don't stop you living your life at all, but they do head you in certain directions. And, you know, I mean, I'm a single man in my mid-50s, and I don't think that's, you know, I didn't learn what certain other people learned about relationships and family and everything else. So, I mean, that I have been married, but it's. I think there's certain things, you know, a friend of mine grew up in a family that was very close, total family unit. Only thing was important was family, you know, who had. Now has family, has children and everything else. It's what was ingrained into him. So I think. I think it directs you. What is around you does direct you, but also in. There's a number of new theories about the epigenetics of our psychological development, meaning that our family ancestry can impact on us making our decisions. So, for example, if you look at your uncles or aunts or grandparents, great grandparents, that's why the. All the history about who, you know, the TV programs about who do you think you are? And they go into the history of who people think they are, and then they might find. Some people think that they have royal heritage and they find out that their heritage was that of a drunkard alcoholic who ended up in prison, or somebody who hasn't got a royal heritage now has found out that they were the son or daughter of an earl or, you know, a countess or something, and the heritage impacts on us. Do you have somebody in your heritage, Izzy, that you think of in that respect? My granny was quite amazing. She. She didn't grow up, like, wealthy. She grew up in Twickenham in London, and she grew up in the war where she wasn't allowed to be sent off because her father believed, you know, we're all going to die. We're all going to die together as a family unit. And I think she's a remarkable woman because she was. She, you know, she didn't know what the difference was. She'd run up Richmond Hill finding German, you know, silk parachutes, trying to collect them for clothes because they didn't have clothes. And I think, you know, she is just a remarkable woman. Unfortunately, she's passed, but, like, she. She like the story she could tell. And she. Her brother, they did just invest all in her brother. She was expected to be the receptionist. And my mum always went against, you know, being the stereotypical, like, you know, you can't be a doctor because, you know, You're a girl. And she really fought for women's rights and did that for my. Because she was never allowed to have that opportunity. And I just think, like, I, you know, I just think she got. My granny went on with it. But then apparently on my dad's side of the family were related to the Stuart Royal family, which I'm not. I'm not sure, but. So is it something you're interested in and you might look at? Probably not. You don't think it's going to help? Does it not give you. And what about you, Nick? Did you have extended family or knowledge of family that were. That made an impact on the way that you thought? Yes, I think I did. I mean, my grandmother, my dad's side, my other grandparents weren't very nice people at all. My grandmother, my dad's side was as mad as a hatter. And I think that's probably where I got most of the. Of my life from, in a good way. She was still jogging in a Damart underwear at the age of 80 around the block. She was great and she was always fun and she made me laugh and she just used to put her arm around me and say, just do whatever you want to do. And so I think she was ironically, the biggest influence because although we're here talking about, you know, the teenage years and me having looked after my mum, et cetera, et cetera, I've had a great life. You know, I've traveled the world. I've thoroughly enjoyed it. I think the one thing, the advantage I came out with because I became out so independent from it all. I've done things that other people wouldn't do and I didn't get suffocated by life at all. You know, I'm at the age I am now, just starting a new journey and new things, new company. You know, there's an unlimited potential to it. So I think whichever yin you've got, there's a yang to it, you know. And what do you mean by suffocating? What could have suffocated you? Well, I know I. This is gonna sound awful and I hope nobody's listening, but for the first time in my life, two years ago, I succumbed to the famous school reunion. Okay. And I went back and many of them were still doing the jobs 30 years later that. That when I left and the conversations were the same and they're all lovely people and it was a great evening and I thoroughly enjoyed it. But there was a limit to everything and nothing changed. The local was the same local as you know, the past 30, 40 years. So I just feel that it sort of made me think that I've got to determine my own life. And I went and did exactly that. I've never been materialistic, so I've just used money for time, and I just enjoyed it. Not been perfect, but I've enjoyed it. Yeah. I think that schools can help and parents can help give a direction, but do we really have a calling? So, say, for example, with the North American Indians and. And this actually was very much more in certain. Not only tribes, but in certain cultures. The North American Indians used to. As a boy, particularly a boy came into teenage years because a girl would have a baby and that would be her calling. But a boy would be taken off into the wilderness with the parents, and he would sleep actually on the branches of a tree. So it had to be a specific tree or underneath the tree until he had a dream that would tell him what role he played within the tribe. So that became a spiritual calling of what his role would be in the world, and that he would then go back to the tribe and the parents would. He would tell the tribe, and that would be recognized by the tribe, that that would be his role. Do you think that we miss that sort of spiritual recognition of who we are? What do you think, Nick? Yes, I do. I think everything is tied in very tightly. I think. I mean, you talking about tribes. I lived in the Amazon or traveled through the Amazon jungle for quite a while and lived with a tribe there for about three weeks. And it's funny how life is totally different, but totally the same. The only thing you don't get in these tribes is any form of judgment, direction, hostility. It's. It's just. It's very hard to explain. It just is. They just are. There's. And there's no. None of the pressures. The only pressure is not getting eaten, you know, or stung. But I think. I do think that. I mean, you. From your point of view, this is probably totally wrong. But you can tell with people as well. I mean, as I say, I met Izzy before Christmas. And you can just tell, you know, as soon as somebody walks in and talks, you can tell who they are and how expansive they're going to be and how adventurous they're going to be and what their thoughts are. And not everybody has that. So although it is opportunity and direction, some people can be directed, some people can't. Some people want to be directed, and some people don't want to be directed. I think it's down to personality and who you are? Yeah, because they said, I mean, it's the old saying, isn't it, that Shakespeare used to quote, show me a man till the age of seven, show me a child to the age of seven and I'll show you the man or woman. And I think. Do you think that sort of tells you about the psychological impact of the world on a person, on a developing child? Because pre the age of seven, actually age seven and eight, when they, we were talking about the neo frontal cortex, which is where not only our logical brain, they call it our executive brain. It's the part of our brain where we can talk, almost talk to our emotions. We can say, you know, we can logic out the world. We're not just emotionally bound anymore. It's not just, I want this and I'll do it. It's more, how do I get it? You know, is this good for me? Do we. Can I really make this work? Or if I am going through an emotional situation, how do I talk myself out of this? And that's the neocortex, that's the logical brain, which actually, in different human developmental terms, hasn't been developed for that long. Are you taught how to become more self aware and to self analyze? Izzy, Is that something that you're. Do you think should be taught more? Do you think you could be taught or is it something you do naturally? I think it's probably something you do more naturally when, you know, I think a person kind of knows what they're interested in. And you know, there's, you know, there's things that spark people. Certain things. Like to me it probably makeup and beauty and fashion, but someone else, it might be maths and psychology and medicine. Like, you know, I think other people can pick up on it and help guide you through it, which is, you know, great. I think you should get all the help you can get. But I think also there's some things you have to do by yourself in order for you to learn, because otherwise you won't learn. But I don't. Can you give us an example of that? Can you think of anything that you've done? I think overcoming certain situations, like divorce, despite me having a brother and a sister, we all have different emotions and how we respond to things. I think you have to teach yourself how to react to a situation based on like how you're feeling. You know, like, it's okay to cry, cry, it's okay to react in a certain way, but you've also got to like, teach yourself how to overcome that and how to be Resilient. I don't think anyone else can really teach you that. And did it help when you were going through your parents divorce, not to be specific, but did it help when you had. Did you have support at school from your friends? Did that help or did you not notice? No, 100%. You know, like, recently it's been getting messier and my two or three of my best friends, especially live Katie and Lily, have just really helped me. They like, you know, we've all got our own things and Casey's got a similar situation and so we'll talk about it and, you know, we'll help each other, which is really nice. She's, you know, she's got her own mental health issues and she, she's just lovely to talk to and she can just make you laugh and it's just, it's so nice to be around. And Lily, she's just so much fun. So you almost forget it. And I think that helps you overcome it. You know, good people around to talk about. And, you know, like I said before, my teachers are amazing. Yeah. So they really support. So coming to that point, where is it Katie who makes you laugh? Oh, Liv and Katie both. Yeah, both. So they have a good sense of humor. Do you see, coming from an entertainment background where humor was the key because I ran comedy clubs, do you think how vital is humor for you, Izzy? It's great that you've raised that, that you've said that. How important is it? I think humour is especially vital. Like, my friend Benny always calls me to make sure I'm okay, and he always just makes me laugh. You know, he'll just come out with something funny and it won't even be like funny to anyone else, but it'll be funny to me. You know, like, I think the thought of that is just, like, really important that other people think of you and help you. Like a lot. Like, a lot of my friends, you know, they've got their own stuff happening and I make sure I always check in with them. So do you think laughter is distracting? And do you think for mental health we should do focus more on humor for teenagers and generally, do you think if it's a good laugh. Sorry, Everyone loves a good laugh. Yeah, they do. It's so important. I think the more you laugh, the more distracted you get. Yeah. Because, you know, I think there comes a time where you, like, you shouldn't laugh at the situation, but you should be able to be more comfortable with it. Whereas someone says something in should be able to laugh at all it's like, you know, you should be able to laugh at yourself if you do something stupid. Yeah. They say sorry just before we bring you in, Nick. And hold that thought as they say in. They say that people who are seriously disturbed can't laugh at themselves. So they can't self deprecate, can't face being laughed at in some way. But also that when you're in deep stress. So doctors who are on the go all the time, they use humor to release that. And during the war they used humor in the most extreme cases to release the tension, but also to make light of the world so they could grab onto the lightness to pull them out of the dark situations. What do you think about that? Say what you were going to say, Nick, and then add to that. It's interesting that we use the phrase laughing distracts us. Yeah. And so that, that means just by that sentence, the predominant feeling we should have is either horror or a bad thought. Because instead of thinking that laughter and happiness should be the goal or should be what your life is, we see it as a distraction and like a little time off from what we're supposed to be like now. Which is, you know, it brings me back to when, as I said, when you with the tribe in the Amazon, they didn't know what stress was. Stress wasn't a word that existed. They woke up every day and decided what they were going to do. Yeah, but when they stress trying to get some food if there wasn't food around and everybody. So if you look at the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the basic one is food and drink, then you've got belonging in. Then the actualization comes in from the art and appreciation of art and the aesthetics come very high up the pyramid. But the very basics of our lives, if we don't have food, drink and belonging, that is such a crucial one, communication, connection and belonging. Without that they may have had more observable stress. Yes, I understand what you mean. But again, that's where they were a family. I think we've lost community now. I think community is a big thing that's gone in this world. I mean, when I grew up, nobody locked their doors and everybody just hung out with each other. I mean, now you don't do so. I think that gives a lot of stress and it was a big stress reliever and you could turn to your community more. But I don't know, I think because I traveled so much and I was very lucky to do so, or I. I don't know if it's Luck or not, but I was lucky to travel so much. I mean, us in England, we've won the lottery. Because when we talk about food, shelter, compared to other parts of the world, you know, we're very fortunate here indeed. So I think that, you know, I've been to the worst places, the best places and the middle places, and they've all got stress and worry. They're just about different things. And I don't think you can remove stress and worry and horror from things. But the ironic thing is some of the worst places I've found are the nicest people and have the best attitude towards it, who have absolutely nothing interesting. Taking that slightly forward and the name of the country has escaped me for the moment, but I do recall one of the Far Eastern countries, I think it was Bhutan, where they went to a tribe and they were saying that this to tribe, to a community, and they were saying, this is the happiest country. I think they started charging people to come in. And one of the children was interviewed, you know, in a casual way, not in a sort of. Not in a panoramic way, but just casually asked, why was he happy? And he said, because he was the water bearer. He delivered water to the community every day. So he knew his value. Yeah. So coming back to the North American Indians and so on to find your talent, to find what you're good at, does that make you feel much more vital, much more relevant? Is that how you feel, Izzy? Because you're talented and you're developing your own talent as well, and some people have it as a singer, but not all that. Can't always sustain them throughout life, but you're finding that you're gifted in your creativity. Does that help you when you found that and you can hold on to it? I think I use, like, creativity as kind of like a crutch when I'm stressed. I do tend to go back to thinking about, you know, art and design and adding and, you know, what do we need in the world? I think with my creativity, though, it really helps. Like my friend Chanel in Australia. She is absolutely hilarious, but she, like, helps me with design and stuff. She, like, she puts, like, her impact and she's so stylish, and she really, like, puts that, you know, forward. And I think talking about the creativity with, like, other people, like Chanel or, you know, other people I'm surrounded by, really helps me, like, you know, develop it. But, yeah, I don't know. Like, I think, you know, once you find something that you like, you know, you'll Tend to think about it more and you'll just become more interested in it. Do you think that being good at it. For example, I've been watching the. The Queen's Gambit and I think, as a lot of people have, about chess. And this young girl in this story was an orphan. And then she learns to play with her janitor. She learns to play chess. Now my mother was a chess master in Poland before the war. And by the way, we ended up living in the six of us in one bedroom. So we didn't have the joys of other people's upbringing. And then we ended up on a council estate, but it was a great councilor state. And I keep in touch with people from that estate now. But the Queen's Gambit, she learned to play chess and she became a master. And she didn't have parents, nor did she have the support of schools. So some people have this river that runs through, I like to call it a river, this mission that they have this understanding of their true unique talent that has to be somehow reflected in the world or somebody has to tell you you're good at this. So, for example, with this young girl in the film, she is told by the janitor that she is good at playing, but she also has a calling. Now this is not only based on her own story, on somebody's story like her, but also on Bobby Fischer, who was a prodigy. So we also have prodigies, as we know, like whatever we think is Greta Thunberg's. You know, Greta's parents were both actors. Her father was also a producer. Without that, she wouldn't have been able to deal on a day to day basis, effectively of being what she is, which is a spokesperson, but a public speaker and an actor in effect. I do think that with what you're saying about, quote, Queen's Gambit and things like that, she wasn't happy. She was also an alcoholic and troubled and everything else. So I do think that we forget sometimes about being and being happy and enjoying ourselves because things take over from that. I think it is important that you're good at something. I have never really been good at anything massively specifically, but overall I'm good at lots of things and I bring things together and it took me a while to find out what my strengths were, but I still had a great life, even though I wasn't a chess master or this or that or the other. I think it's what your ambitions are. If it is money and materialistic and what you want to do and where you want to be, then it has to be given over to being good at something. If that's not as important, you can have a wider spectrum available to you. Or if it's not, you know, sort of money can be a determinant for you of which direction to go into. So some people come out, as Izzy was saying, they might go into being a doctor or somewhere in the legal world or a teacher or something that already has a route to a future. So you go on the first rung of the ladder, you learn, you go into university, then you go into a corporate company or a company that deals with law. Then you choose which aspect of law you go into or which aspect of medicine you go into. However, if you're a creative, isn't it a dilemma also when you don't have that route to market of how do you create that? So entrepreneurs, for example, which I think you're gearing to as well, Izzy is one of the most difficult areas because you've got to create your own route to market or adapt other routes to market to fit in somehow so you can fit into what you're doing or that it can fit into where you're going. So when I started Jonglitz, I had, I got an overdraft of £300 and I used my bicycle as collateral. I was one of the first ones that was cycling across London. Believe me, I wouldn't do it today because I was cycling around Hyde Park Corner, which was so dangerous, as I look back on it, talking about risk. And you know, I was doing it because I absolutely wanted to do that. I wanted to be in entertainment. I knew that people needed to be entertained. I knew I could find new talent. I didn't know I was good at it, but I felt that there was talent out there that wasn't being recognized. And I knew the routes to market at that point for talent just wasn't being seen. So when I started Junglers, you know, the first opening night I had 150 people, more than we could actually hold in a 300 seat venue. But it's how do we get that drive and how do we get help to develop as an entrepreneur? Nick, how do you do that? I think being an entrepreneur is within you because you don't see the pressure of having to earn it yourself. You just see the glory of not having to answer the people. So I think, I think that's more it and what the level of what entrepreneur you get to. I've got a friend who is who I won't name, but seriously big player and he was very successful. And, you know, his pension is more than I think I've earned in my whole life. And we had a game of golf about three months ago, and he just said, God, I wish I could have been happy like you were. Because his. His has been totally driven by fear, fear of failure. And so he works seven days a week all his life just pushing, pushing to be successful because he couldn't fail. And, you know, so it depends what your drivers are, and it depends who you are. I'm very laid back, which is, you know, good and bad. Other people are very, you know, on different levels. I think it's what you want. Some people who are entrepreneurs, just small business people, they're happy with that. For me, money's always been time. If I've got enough money, I'm traveling for six months. You know, it's just been time for me. So I don't have to do what people need me to do. I can just do what I want to do. Other people, it's bricks and mortar. Other people, it's different things. I think it just depends what suits you as an individual. And that's the thing to decide. You do find out that quite early on, at your age, Izzy, because Freud talks about the plane and pleasure principles. So we either are running away from pain, we're trying to avoid pain, that is being told off that we didn't do our homework correctly, or we're not earning enough money in our company, or our relationship is going wrong, or pleasure when we are being seen as doing the right thing, or we're enjoying our creativity, or we are making enough money in a company and people start recognizing you? What do you find is your driver, Izzy, which would you find more of? Do you think that you turn towards things when some people actually use pain as a driver as well? You know, I don't want to earn less money. I want to be known. I want to be seen. I want to have something creative that gives me freedom. Do you know what drives you, Izzy? Yeah. Like, I think, like, I'm a people pleaser. I think quite a lot. And like, you know, I try and make people happy. And I think that's part of my personality as just, like, I just, you know, I won't be happy until other people are happy. And, you know, sometimes I sacrifice my own happiness, that. Which is something I probably should start to change. But I think my biggest drive is, like, I want to be quite well off when I'm older. Like, I know that's something I want to do. And you know, I think it will drive me in a way I'll find other solutions to make sure it happens. You know, like when I have children, I want them to have the best education, I want them to have the most comfortable lifestyle. And in a way I want to live that comfortable lifestyle. And I think that drives me to achieve as much as possible. But as well, I say that, but I hate being told off. I don't respond well to it. I stop crying. I try and do the best I can, honestly. And when I get told off, it sometimes feels like my best isn't enough, which really pushes me back. And how do you get yourself out of that way of thinking when that happens? Believe me, Izzy, it happens to adults as well. By the way, you know, if you put yourself, particularly when you run the company as well, when it's not under somebody else's, you know, you haven't got the templates from somebody else. But you know, and it's very hard. How do you talk yourself out of it, Izzy? How do you put yourself back on track when you've been told off? What's your self talk? This is gonna sound quite bad, but I have a good cry. Do you know, it's not bad. I think it's great to be able to cry. I cry no, you know, when I used to do talks about, you know, sort of being a woman in business and I had my business grew from minus 300 pounds overdraft to a value of 30 million. I used to be in a boardroom and I, you know, they were, it was quite a bullish place. It was very, very heavy duty. And you know, I always just say to women, always wear waterproof makeup. Because then if you feel you're being overwhelmed by these testosterone fueled emotions, which there are, you know, men get used to their ways on the football field or in ruptures be. It's a different energy. And I really mean that. It's a different energy. And it's not that women can't cope because they can't cope because they don't have the skills. It's how do you overcome that in a situation? How do you make yourself hurt? And sometimes just the energy itself you have to get used to dealing with. So I used to say, well, go into the loo, have a good cry, you know, dab off your tears and then go back into the boardroom. Because just the fact that you're overwhelmed can make you feel very vulnerable. So I think particularly women or the female in the boardroom or the female energy needs to be recognized and for women and how do you cope with that? But I think tears are very useful actually for both men and women just to release that pent up pressure. But Nick, how do you deal with it? I just think I just believe it or not, I just work out how I feel and that tells me and if I feel bad or wrong then I know I'm not doing it right. Okay. And with me, I don't know why I have a innate ability to take on board stress and it has to be an awful lot to really get to me. But that's a generally because I'm quite laid back and I do say, I mean I personally think women are a lot stronger than men. I mean as you know I'm starting a new bigger company and I had one person, one woman on the board. I've now got four because I think the mix is very important. I just try and I've failed many times by the way to get it right. But I, I'm, I suffer from what Izzy does. I'm a people pleaser. I'm very empathic. So a lot of the times I've made everybody else very comfortable and not myself. I'm getting a lot better at it. But this where it shows you that it's not just about being teenager. You keep developing all as an adult just to tie up here because we're coming to the end of the program. It's been absolutely amazing talking to you Izzy Bendel and Nick Longdon. And I do think understanding ourselves is absolutely the key. Doesn't matter what age. And I think Izzy, I really look forward to watching your future develop and any help we can give. We're always here for you. And I think this is the truth for most teenagers if they want to reach out we can be here because to help you understand. But this is women's radio station and men's radio station. I'm Dr. Maria Kempinska. Your mind matters. Are you feeling anxious? Online therapy 24 is here to help. We offer confidential support from the comfort of your own sofa. Our highly qualified therapists are experienced in a full range of daily challenges. You'll be in safe and trusted hands. Don't suffer alone. Change your life by calling us on 020-755-5080 and check out our website onlinetherapy247.com.